Disordered Layout

Marton Harry's Column first went digital as three Freeserve websites. There was too much material for one or two sites because of the tiny amount of space available on each site.

Freeserve were taken over by Wanadoo, who were than taken over by Orange, who decided to delete the old Freeserve sites.

I tried to move the three sites here, but Part Two was not accessible. No matter what I tried, all I could reach was the ridiculous Orange website builder page. So I copied Part One and Part Two here, and mourned the loss of Part Two.

When I tried again the following day, there was Part Two. That is why this site contains Part Two, followed by Part One, then Part Three. Never mind, each article is self-contained, so it does not really matter.

Complaints

The Astounding Cheap Pen Experiment. (January 1983)

In the Good Old Days, pens were pens and had "Government Property" written on the side. There followed a time when anonymous but still useful pens were supplied, then came the Age of the Inky Fingers, from which we have just emerged, thank goodness.
Somebody must have bought several million disreputable blot-facilitators thinking they were getting a bargain, but what they got was staff throwing them away by the thousand and going off sick with ink poisoning.
The disappearance of huge numbers of pens must have made management suspect that some employees were supplementing their meagre incomes by setting up as stationery wholesalers, because now you need to hand in a dead pen before you can receive a new one. You're in trouble if you lose a pen. I've heard of a circular which states that anyone who does so will have to write an application for a new one in their own blood.
But at least the disgustingly substandard pens have disappeared. Now we're supplied with transparent ones which do the job they are supposed to. There's an added bonus if you sit in direct sunlight: you can make your own rainbows.

*****

It Makes Snow Difference. (February 1983)

By our Motoring Correspondent.

In the early hours of 10th February it snowed in Lytham St Annes. People travelling to the Marton site were delayed on Queensway due to the conditions caused by the weather. These people were credited with the time they would have arrived had it not been for the delay.

It also snowed in Cleveleys that morning and a colleague who usually travels to work by motor bike phoned to say that due to the weather his bike would not start and he had to catch the bus. Two bus rides later he arrived at the office at 10.15am. Was he also credited with the time he would have normally arrived? No. Just forty minutes. I've told him to buy a car and move to St Annes before next winter.

*****

Newshound Savaged by Enraged Matrons. (May 1983)

One of my news staff was recruited to deliver CPSA Section and National election addresses because the usual block reps around where he worked were on trade union business. Two of the members separately took the chance to tell him off for a) not bringing the addresses roung quickly enough, leaving the member only most of Friday afternoon, the entire weekend and part of Monday morning to read them, and b) for bringing them round at all, and so wasting valuable paper.

The second attitude is the most dangerous, because it reflects the anti-democratic philosophy of some members, who would rather not be bothered with taking decisions which directly affect the way their standards of living and conditions of service are negotiated.

Be kind to your block reps. Bring them genuine complaints and let them know when you think they are falling below the standards of efficiency we would expect, but don't hassle them about eht costs of democracy.

*****

You Too Can Be a Celebrity. (Xmas 1983)

In some part of the Marton Office nobody wants to be a CPSA representative. This means that the huge number of Branch Executive Committee members in DCB have been filling in the gap.

They can't do as good a job as someone from the area, who would be more realily available than an itenerant DCB person.

When you see a stranger delivering "Red Tape" and tell him or her, "the Interoceter File is going to be amalgamated under the new disposable recycling shifter, and half the CA's will be out of a job", you will be greeted by incomprehension. Your CPSA representative will have to be made to understand what the problem is, then pass the information to the CPSA Branch Officers, who may also have to be educated about the nature of specialised problems. Better a direct line between a represenative who is directly involved and the Union Room.

Facility time is allowed for representatives, so you don't have to use your own time on union business. The monotony of the day can be broken up by doing something different. Get to know more people. Be a better all-round person. No more sand kicked in your face.

Contact Neal Brookes... when you decide that being a CPSA representative is the life for you.

*****

Non-Members' Noticeboard. (Xmas 1983)

I was shocked to find out than one of the entries in a previous competition was sent in by a non-member of CPSA.

This invaluable publication is intended for CPSA members, so if you're a non-member you shouldn't even be reading it, let alone entering competitions. (This no longer applies, R. M.)

If you belong to the grades covered by CPSA and are not a member, ask your block representative for a membership application form or contact the Branch Organiser...

Enjoy Marton Harry's Column with a clear conscience.

*****

Advertising Campaign Succeeds. (Novermber 1984)

The campaign by Sellotape PLC suggesting various uses for their product has been heeded by the section responsible for the electrical system at Marton.

This explains the occasional power cut we've had recently.

Get well soon, lads.

*****

CISCO Success. (November 1984)

The recent Italian day in the canteen was such a success that several members of staff were taken for a ride and never seen again.

Members of staff who were fitted with concrete boots and dropped in the ponds at Marton were more fortunate because of the shallowness of the water.

*****

Bad News. (May 1985)

On Breakfast Time on 21st March there were two disturbing items. The first was Lady Mosley, widow of Sir Oswald Mosley, plugging her autobiography. In case you've forgotten, Mosley was the leader of the British Union of Fascists and tried very hard to become Britain's own Hitler. His widow was treated sympathetically, passed off her husband's activities as "politics" without mentioning where the blackshirted thugs and Jew baiting came in, and gained free publicity for her bletherings.

That was followed by a government minister, Tom King, who said that wages councils should be scrapped and that the economy would be helped by the removal of the protection from the lowest paid. He made no sensible reply to the remark that increasing numbers of unscrupulous employers will pay starvation wages to those made desperate enough to work for them.

Nobody asked Tom King how much his income was or why the wealth of this country should be steadily funnelled from the poor to the rich.

We managed to avoid a fascist dictatorship fifty years ago. What are we stumbling into now?

*****

Riddle. (July 1985)

Question: How do you tell when the Staff Inspectors have been in a branch?

Answer: Three months later, everyone's doing overtime.

*****

Spot the Vampire. (July 1985)

It's that time of year when we can all paly Spot the Vampire. As soon as the sun starts to shine, vampires get up and draw the blinds.

When you play Spot the Vampire, a crucifix and some wooden stakes will be useful, but please have nothing to do with garlic.

Biography

Marton Harry's Social Diary. (January 1983)

When I mention the Branch Executive Committee Christmas Meal to anyone, they make a comment about CPSA subscriptions going up. In case anyone really does believe that the union pays for BEC parties, no, it does not. Just like the DNS doesn't pay when you go out with your section, CPSA does not subsidise the BEC's outings.

That said, the meal was adequate and was followed by a disco. Most of the BEC were there as well as some of their friends and relations. It was a very relaxed, friendly evening. Somebody's brother took his shirt off and did a musical muscleman act. That lad should be on the stage, or somewhere.

I won't go into lengthy detail about the evening, because you were either there and know already or weren't and aren't interested. I'll onlly mention that I now know how to play the "Dambusters" game.

*********************************

Gambling Mad. (January 1983)

When I went to one of the local casinos recently, the only game I could understand was the roulette. This involves giving money to the croupiers and getting back, on average, 36 parts in 37 of that money.

People delude themselves into believing they have a system to beat the odds,but no such system can exist. Play long enough with the odds against you and you are bound to lose.

Seeing people winning, then gambling those winnings away again as quickly as possible, makes me think that gamblers actually want to lose. I'm just glad that of all the vices I enjoy, gambling isn't one of them.

News

A Reasonable Offer. (February 1983)

Trade Unionists are still stunned by the news that slavery is to be introduced in the Civil Service in time for the 1984 pay agreement.

The information was leaked after a think tank proposal was discussed and accepted by the Cabinet. The new arrangements will be introduced gradually, with slaves working alongside what the report calls "mercenaries" for the next ten to fifteen years until independent Civil Servants are phased out.

The proposals originated from a study group who went to the Sultanate of Batar, to learn ways of improving Britain's penal system. While there, they were impressed by the fabulous wealth of top Bataris and by the widespread, though unofficial use of slavery. It was felt that Batar's wealth did not come from its vast output of oil; Britain's oil wasn't making Britain wealthier. The secret of the tiny Sultanate lay in its economic and social systems. The British government's policy is to make Britain rich by making its ordinary citizens, especially Civil Servants, increasingly poorer, so if they can be made so poor that they don't even own themselves, the country is bound to become really rich and be able to re-establish the Empire.

The changeover from mercenary to property status for Britain's Civil Service will be voluntary at first. The report points out the advantages of slavery:no responsibility, no bills to pay, no problems about what to eat or what to wear, free accommodation in comfortable dungeons at night and modern offices during the day, no entry forms from Readers Digest competitions and lots more.

There will be a number of spinoff benefits from the new system. The standard Civil Service menu will be gruel and horse bones, but arrangements will be made to reduce the EEC's food mountains. If butter and wine become particularly troublesome, each government employee will sit down to a plate heaped with nourishing butte and a beaker of delicious, non-vintage Eurowine at every meal until the surpluses disappear.

If anyone prefers to continue working for money and has skills required by the government, there will be special incentive schemes to encourage co-operation. This will include not having your relatives disappear, not having electrodes attached to places you'd rather not have them attached, and, to celebrate 1984, not being locked in a room with whatever you have a phobia about.

Several advances over Britain's last slavery system will be made. The new slavery will be non-racist, with Whites as well as Blacks included, although special attention will be given to Scotsmen, who have a tendency to be troublesome and left wing when left to their own devices.

There will be a campaign in the press and on television to persuade the population of the benefits of slavery under the slogan, "Britons shall be free". The freedom referred to is, of course, from worry about where to live, what to eat, what to wear, and so on.

Union leaders plan to mount an opposition campaign and to take industrial action, provided they can get a majority of Civil Servants to support them.

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Round the World in a Wardrobe '84 Update. (April 1984)

Plans are well in hand for the greatest adventure of the decade, first reported in this column last November.

In December a ramp was built from North Pier to the sea, and after careful safety inspections, was declared ready for use in January.

The honour of being the test-pilot in the 1944 utility wardrobe fell to lively ex-Civil Servant, 78 year old Charles Clifton.

Special thanks go to the management of Derby Baths, who allowed Mr. Clifton to train in Splashland, using a scale model wardrobe.

The first test launch of the real thing took place on Saturday 21st January in the presence of Miss Round the World in a Wardrobe '84, the lovely Tracey Murtagh.

The launch was a complete success, although the wardrobe disintegrated when it hit the water. Mr. Clifton came ashore at Lytham several hours later. As he strode up the beach he expressed disappointment that he couldn't go round again.

Volunteers from Fleetwood Nautical College collected the bits of wardrobe, which was reassembled in late January and early February. A lead lining was added to the wardrobe to give in increased impact resistance.

On Saturday, 18th February, 22 year old Tracey Murtagh was again on hand to watch the second launch of the 40 year old wardrobe. Unfortunately, part of North Pier collapsed while the wardrobe was still on it, so the wardrobe had to be excavated from the sand below the pier and brought back up to the Promenade by crane.

The launch attempt was abandoned until the pier could be reinforced, but while the work was proceeding severe storms washed away the specially built wardrobe launching ramp.

Rather than rebuild the ramp, the organisers of Round the World in a Wardobe '84 have decided to go for a catapult launch from the Promenade opposite the Blackpool Tower. This will necessitate the streamlining of the wardrobe by the addition of a steel outer shell with delta wings, but the organisers are confident that the redesign work will be complete in time for the launch in August.

Negotiations are currently being conducted with Blackpool Borough Council for the removal of a section of railing from the seaward side of the Promenade.

****************

Round the World in a Wardrobe '84 Ends in Confusion. (July 1984)

Proposed modifications to the 1944 utility wardrobe led to a split in the organising committee. Many of the committee felt that the addition of a lead lining, steel shell and delta wings destroyed the spirit of the whole enterprise. Others felt they were vitally necessary.

A bitter quarrel took place at the committee meeting held on June 9th. Motions of no confidence in everyone present were passed. All the officers of the committee resigned. Not to be outdone, all the committee members did likewise.

Round the World in a Wardrobe '84 was a noble ideal, even though the attempt to put it into practice failed. Everyone involved has returned to their old ways of life, except the Organising Committee Treasurer, who has gone on an extended visit to South America.

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Scrooge Supporters Routed. (May 1985)

At the CPSA Annual General Meeting the incredibly important issue of whether CPSA should send Christmas Cards to senior management was debated.

After listening to arguments that senior management sent cards to CPSA and our cards are bought from Amnesty International, the overwhelming majority voted to carry on sending the cards.

We don't send cards on other occasions such as Father's Day or Mother's Day, but it's probably just as well there's no Job Cutter's Day.

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True Story. (May 1985)

A widow returned a prize warrant sent to her late husband before we knew of his death.

She wrote, "I am returning a cheque which you sent and of course all his defects come to me, his wife".

I expect she now has prostate trouble and smokes a smelly old pipe.

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Another True Story. (May 1985)

Another widow wrote, "I am sad to say I have just lost my husband. While searching the house I found these Premium Bonds".

Thanks to Dave Ingham for coming across this one.

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Victorian Values

New Staff Rules. (April 1983)

When Margaret Thatcher was interviewed on ITV's "Weekend World", she revealed that she wants a return to Victorian values.

One of the ways she intends to bring this about is to introduce her new, improved Thatcherite Victorian Civil Service Staff Rules, which will be implemented after the General Election.

Here are a few extracts, leaked to me by a reliable source:

1. Pay levels will be set just high enough to keep the required numbers of Civil Servants alive and able to work. Any expression of disagreement with this system will lead to instant dismissal.

2. Hours of work will be from sunrise to sunset, 18 hours per day, or until the employee falls unconscious, whichever is the longest.

3. Saturdays will be working days. The only day off will be Sunday.

4. Leave will be a matter of management whim: not just when it is to be taken, but whether it is taken. Managers are advised that one week of unpaid leave per year should be the maximum allowed.

17. Taunting of small boys employed in cleaning the ventilation systems of government offices, including banging on the ducts while the boys are inside, is punishable by a fine of one hour's pay.

24. Any employee seen smiling in the office will be fined three hours pay.

25. Any employee found singing, whistling, laughing or dancing in the office will be fined three hours pay for the first offence, one days pay for the second offence, and removed to a lunatic asylum to be chained to a wall for the third offence.

32. Any employee found to be a member of a trade union, friendly society, or like organisation shall be deported to the Falkland Islands.

33. Any employee who contacts the International Court of Human Rights, any foreign journalist, the Council for Civil Liberties, Amnesty International, the NSPCC or like "do-gooders" shall be taken to Level 4 and never seen again.

47. All grades up to and including Clerical Officer shall adopt a humble and subservient manner at all times. Members of the Executive grades should do so only in the presence of a person of superior rank. Hands shall be wrung. Failure to comply with this rule will lead to instant dismissal.

63. Any employee caught looking at any other employee of equal or higher rank without good cause will be fined three hours pay.

64. Any employee who exposes limbs, chests, or any other part of the body in a manner likely to distract other employees from work will be fined one day's pay and taken to Level 4.

65. Any employee who touches any other employee without the written permission of the Controller shall be fined one day's pay.

66. Any employee who talks about anything other than their work will be fined four hours pay.

79. Dinner breaks will last ten minutes.

80. Any employee heard complaining about the quality of the gruel will be fined six hours pay.

81. Tea breaks will last five minutes. Tea will be served cold to facilitate speedy consumption.

93. Any employee up to and including the rank of Clerical Officer who wishes to visit the lavatory during working hours must apply to Staff Branch in writing and must wait for a reply.

105. Clerical workers will write in copperplate, with no fall in speed. Failure to comply will lead to dismissal.

111. Employees will be responsible for the tidiness of their own desks and the areas around them. If litter is found on the floor the culprit will be dismissed. If no employee owns up, every employee who works within ten yards of the litter will be dismissed.

123. New rules will be introduced and old ones reinterpreted without consultation and without prior warning.

**********

Secrets of the Negotiating Table Revealed. (May 1983)

One of my team of fearless investigative journalists has been able to obtain a tape recording of the recent wage negotiations. Here is a transcript of part of it:

Official Side Spokesperson: In line with the government's Victorian values, I am empowered to offer you a revolutionary new pay and conditions package, which will save the country from economic ruin and make it once again the most powerful in the world.

Trade Union Side Spokesperson: I don't like the sound of that. Just give all Civil Servants an extra £12 a week each and cut our nett working week to 35 hours so we can get off down the pub instead of sitting here arguing.

OSS: Out of the question. Here are our proposals. Our economic experts, who have degrees, so they must be clever, have calculated that if all Civil Servants worked twice as many hours each week, we need only employ half as many, thereby complying with the government's guidelines on Civil Service reductions. We therefore offer you a reduction in nett working hours from 37 to 74.

TUSS: That's an increase. There's no way we can accept that. How can we pollibly be expected to accept an increase in working hours?

OSS: Well, technically, I suppose it it an increase. How does this grab you? We bring in a new apprenticeship rate for 16 to 17 year olds of nothing, and charge their parents sixpence a week for the valuable training they will receive. And when we lower the school leaving age to nine, the same rates will apply to the younger recruits.

TUSS: Nothing doing.

OSS: And we'll lengthen the age scales to 85.

TUSS: No thank you. Give us all an extra £10 per week and cut our hours to 36 and we'll go away and put it to our members.

OSS: And Assistant Clerks will receive £5.7.6d per annum and an allowance of a penny a month to buy quill pens.

TUSS: Is that water you're drinking?

OSS: And we'll bring back meal tickets for the younger Civil Servants. Each ticket will be exchangeable for a bowl of gruel.

TUSS: That's illegal under the Truck Acts. Hey, it is water. What's in it?

OSS: And all the staff we dismiss will be encouraged to go to Africa and colonise it. The world map will be pink once more.

TUSS: I've had enough of this. I'm going to lie down.

OSS: I thought you'd never ask. Your place or mine?

The rest of the tape contains only the sounds of scuffling, furniture being overturned, glass breaking, cries of pain,swearing and feet running away into the distance.

***************

A Brutal Farce. (July 1985)

Our pay cut has been the usual brutal farce again this year. All of us have been forced to accept less than the rate of inflation by the government attitude of insanely determined opposition to the maintenance of decent standards of living by the working classes. That includes you, friend. If you feel obliged to work here you're in one of the working classes. Younger workers have again done particulary badly to encourage others into YOBS schemes and to expect less than their parents expected.

A plague on all those whose greed drives them to increase their already fabulous wealth at the expense of the poor. May those who wish to exile us all to a fantasy world of Victorian Values rot in hell. And may a particularly unpleasant fate befall those whose ambition it is to see Civil Servants working for just enough to keep them alive.

Attractions

Water, Water, Everywhere. (April 1983)

A new attraction has been added to the Marton office: indoor waterfalls, in which rivulets of water run down some of the pillars. Brightly coloured plastic buckets have now been added to collect a small proportion of the liquid. The only drawback with the system is that it relies on natural rainfall, so is unpredictable.

The waterfalls were introduced on an experimental basis, and have been shut off at the time of writing.

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Where's the Champagne? (April 1983)

Buckets have also appeared in the corridor between the Computer Block and the Tower Block. In February these buckets were observed to contain ice, which means that someone has been throwing parties without inviting me.

If anyone knows who is responsible for such anti-social behaviour, please let me know.

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Parking Problem Solved. (May 1983)

It is becoming increasingly obvious that there are too few parking spaces on the Marton site, with cars parked untidily on the site roads and some delinquents receiving threatening phone calls for parking in the visitors car park.

The government has promised to help out, not by the unimaginitive option of building more parking spaces, but by making sure that all future pay rises are so low that fewer and fewer Civil Servants will be able to run cars.

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Shock Horror. (May 1983)

The Marton Office resembles the Fun House in more ways than one: I keep receiving painful electric shocks from the metal handrails by the stairs. It appears that static builds up from the friction between nylon clothing and the nylon seat covers. The bannisters earth me or anyone else who touches them.

Congratulations to whoever decided to build metal handrails into the Marton Office.

***********************

You Can Tell I'm Sincere by This. (May 1983)

The GTN Dialling Code Book contains some interesting advice, including, "Keep a smile in your voice".

Very few of us can afford to attend the Derek Batey School of Sincerity or the Terry Wogan Affability College, and there are no official plans to sponsor students. Untrained speakers will continue to answer the phone, and smiles in their voices are likely to lead to reactions like, "What are you simpering at?" or "Did I call at a bad moment?"

Lifestyle

Marton Harry's Slimming Tips. (May 1983)

There are various faddy diets going about at the moment, like living off boiled eggs and beans for a month or only eating food when there's an R in the month. Cast them aside and take up Marton Harry's Beer and Chips Diet.

I owe my physical and mental perfection to this diet, which has been passed down through my family for generations and has been endorsed by leading scientists.

Full details next month.

***********

The World's Strangest Drink. (September 1983)

I'll try anything once, so in America I bought a can of a soft drink called Doctor Pibs. The taste is like sweet mothballs.

I drank it with large quantities of duty-free Warrington vodka and found that I actually liked it. It tasted as if it was addictive and, being made by the Coca-Cola company, probably was.

As far as I know, Doctor Pibs is not available in this country. The craving, the trembling and the hot sweats have worn off now, so if anyone knows where I can get the stuff in this country, don't tell me.

**********

Little Arrows. (Xmas 1983)

You will have seen those posters at work graphically depicting the effect of drinking too much. The drooping arrow is much longer than the straight one, which implies that drinking makes arrows lengthier. I don't think this was the message the Health Council were trying to put across.

**********

Just Like the TV Series. (Xmas 1983)

While I was in Florida, I came across a sign in an Orlando bookshop window which read, "This is a police stakeout zone. If approached by the police, put your hands up, stand still and drop your weapon".

I think the notice was meant in all seriousness, just like the "Beware of Pickpockets" signs you occasionally see in this country.

**********

Everybody's Doing It. (Xmas 1983)

Now that Cabbage Patch Dolls are old hat, the latest craze to come from America is Kindness to Amateur Journalists.

Many people, mainly women, are fighting each other to buy drinks for Amateur Journalists, to press gifts on them and to generally help them in any way they can.

Psychologists believe that this is because Cabbage Patch Dolls and Amateur Journalists have strikingly similar facial expressions and dress sense.

For those craving to take part in the latest craze, the names and locations of the Insight Editorial Board are given towards the back of this magazine. (Now obtainable from Robert Muir by email.)

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Beware the Doorstep Trader. (Xmas 1983)

Double-glazing salesmen visit people's houses during very cold spells and keep them talking at the door for as long as possible.

This clever ploy allows all the heat in the house to escape, to that when the victim returns to his aramchair again he says, "That's right, this house is cold. We really could do with double glazing.

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Marton Harry's Small Ads. (Xmas 1983)

Worried that your party will be dull? Ensure its success with the Fylde Coast Drunkard Service. Send only £9.99 and details of the date and venue of your party, and we'll send along one of our fully qualified, highly trained drunkards to drink your beer, be first on the dance floor, laugh, shout and make your party go with a swing.

Write, enclosing cheque to: The Manager, Fylde Coast Drunkard Service c/o Robert Muir (replacement address: rmuirbsc@fsmail.net. Price now negotiable.)

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Marton Harry at the Pictures: Nice Film, Shame About the Ashtray. (April 1984)

My American relatives have been busy in films recently: Dirty Harry in Suddem Impact and Debbie Harry in Videodrome.

I haven't seen Sudden Impact, but I took my grandfather to see Videodrome. In one scene a bloke is shot by the hero, who is under the influence of hallucinogenic rays from the telly. The victim falls to the floor, then his intestines and other internal bits and pieces erupt from his body, his skull cracks open and his brain oozes out of his head.

I thought this was over-the-top acting, deserving a posthumous Oscar, until grandad pointed out they'd used a dummy and the same stop-motion techniques which produce Morph, the Wombles and the Magic Roundabout.

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Serbo-Croat for Beginners. Lesson 1. (April 1984)

Learn these phrases by heart:
Excues me, where's the bar: Izvinite, gdeje pivnica?
Two glasses of beer, please: Molim vas dva case pivo.
One bottle of red wine and a bottle of red wine, please: Movim vas flasa crno vino i flasa belo vino.
A glass of whisky and a glass of vodka please:
Molim vas casa viski i casa votku.
A brandy and a rum please: Molim vas konjak i rum.
Excuse me, where's the toilet?: Izvinite, gde je taolet?

More indispensible phrases next issue.

***************

Marton Harry Watches the Telly. (September 1984)

Those of you who watched the inferior SF series "V" will remember the delivery room scene, when a woman gave birth to a couple of special effects.

In the original version of the script,after the second birth the doctor said, "Congratulations, it's a lizard."

Unfortunately, the director thought the line was well written, so had it removed.

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The Marton Harry Festive Political Awareness Quiz. (February 1985)

Which of these two riddles do you find funnier?

Riddle A: A crocodile has four legs and 24 teeth. What has 24 legs and four teeth?

Answer: The Soviet Politburo.

Riddle B: What has 12 legs and one eye?

Answer: Three chairs and half a pig's head.

Scores and assessments near the end of the Column.

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The Marton Harry Political Awareness Quiz: Scores and Assessments. (February 1985)

Riddle A was funnier, 100 points
Riddle B was funnier, 50 points
You didn't understand Riddle A, 10 points
You didn't understand Riddle B, half a point
You didn't understand Riddle A or B, 1,000points
Neither riddle was funny, 30 points
Both riddles had you in stitches, 300 points

Assessment:

0-5 points: You lack a sense of the ridiculous and are therefore extremely politically unaware.

6-20 points: You are definately lacking in the political awareness department. The Soviet Politburo are the most powerful group of geriatrics in the world, although the President of the United States beats them in the individual stakes.

21-40 points: You may be politically aware but either prefer more sophisticated humour or are a right misery.

41-200 points: Congratulations, you are politically aware.

201-500 points: You're my kind of person. Phone me and we'll arrange to go out for a drink together sometime.

501 points and over: You should stop reading that newspaper which I shall not name.

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Marton Harry's Christmas Crossword. (February 1985)

This year's Christmas cross word is "Maltese".

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Seasons Greetings. (February 1985)

Have a superb Christmas and New Year, unless this Column missed the Insight deadline and appears in January or February, in which case, have a superb spring when it finally arrives.

Competitions

Marton Harry's Competition 7 Results.
(Continued from Marton Harry's Column, Part 1)

And finally, the last name on almost any list, Shital Zzoaoah.

My thanks to Mark Rogerson and Tony Swallow, Martin Pemberton, Steerpike of Level 9 and the boys and girls of DCB4.

Joint winners are DCB 4 for "Kelman Cedarbum" and Mark Rogerson and Tony Swallow for "Pearl M. Harber".

Highly esteemed, mint condition "CPSA Campaign '83" stickers have been presented to the lucky winners.

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Marton Harry's Competition 8. (November 1983)

This competition requires some original, creative thinking, so I recommend you get a good helping of fish down you before you attempt it.

The sick bay at Marton is designed so that it is impossible to pass through it carrying a person on a stretcher. Imagine somebody goes for a lie down, then collapses. They should be taken to hospital as soon as possible, but it would be inadvisable to carry them through the door in a vertical position.

How do you get round the problem? The sender of the best answer will receive a "CPSA Campaign '83" sticker, soon to gain antique status as 1983 draws to a close.

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Marton Harry's Competition 8 Results. (Xmas 1983)

Doctor Caligari of the Catacombs, St. Annes, suggests that the best way to remove the sick from Marton's Sick Bay (through the door of which loaded stretchers cannot be taken) is to scrunch them up into a ball and roll them through.

She wins my prize of a "CPSA Campaign '83" sticker.

**********

Marton Harry's Competition 9. (Xmas 1983)

Something easy this time, in that you either know the answer or you don't.

In which film did the word "interoceter" play a prominent part?

If you are under 30, perhaps an older friend or relative might be able to help you.

The star of the film is not so much OK as DK.

The theme of the film might be considered relevant to the creator of this column.

The sender of the first correct answer out of the hat will receive an almost unique, much sought after, limited edition "CPSA Campaign '83" sticker.

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Marton Harry's Competition 9 Results. (April 1984)

The film title I was looking for was "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty", starring Danny Kaye. Perhaps it was too far down Memory Lane; I received a grand total of zero entries.

The prize will be donated to the Send Marton Harry Back to Florida Fund.

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Marton Harry's Competition 10. (April 1984)

What is the greatest fraud of all time?

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Marton Harry's Competition 11. (July 1984)

There was something peculiar about the last two issues of Insight before this one. What was it?

The first two correct answers pulled out of the drum will each receive a highly valuable, antique CPSA Campaign '83 sticker.

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Marton Harry's Competition 11 Results. (September 1984)

The remarkable thing about the last two issues before the July Insight is that both have "April 1984" on the cover.

The Insight with the miner on the cover should have been dated May 1984. Blame anybody except the Editorial Board.

The Campaign '83 sticker was won by Robert Muir of DCB.

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Marton Harry's Competition 12: The Silly Name Competition Returns. (November 1984)

Two daft names I came across recently: Eirona Brain, which conjures up an image of an extremely unpleasant transplant, and Henrietta Lamb, which suggests extreme gluttony.

If anyone can send me an equally strange but genuine name, they will receive instant fame and a Mystery Prize.

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Marton Harry's Competition 12: The Silly Name Competition Returns: Results.
(February 1985)

The mystery prize of a colour television, Sinclair Spectrum 48K computer, modem, computer desk and one year's subscription to Prestel and Micronet 800 goes to Robert Muir of DCB8 for his entry, "Festus Grimdangle".

The judge's decision is absolutely final.

Bet you wish you'd entered, now, don't you?

This month's prize was donated by Robert Muir of DCB8.

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Marton Harry's Competition 13: Daft Inventions. (February 1985)

Many extremely useless items have been put into production, such as a solar-powered torch and the Cruise Missile. (It flies low and slow to avoid detection by radar, so 5 million East Germans point to the sky and say, "What the hell's that?".

A mystery prize will be awarded to the sender of the most interesting description of a really stupid, dangerous and/or expensive invention.

Anyone who wites in about a chocolate teapot will be severely denounced for being boring.

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Marton Harry's Competition 14. (May 1985)

A mystery prize will be awarded to the CPSA member who sends me the most bizarre, amazing, strange, hysterical, patronising or frightening circular.

To those of my readers who pick Insight out of waste paper baskets or have an underling to do it for them: This competition is requesting a parody of official circulars, not the genuine article. I don't fancy any B& SO staff being in the same position as Clive Ponting, even though he was found not guilty.

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Marton Harry's Competition 15. (July 1985)

How many entries are there in the Preston Area Phone Book under the world's commonest surname. And what is that surname?

The first person to send in the correct answer will be awarded with an antique and highly valued "Campaign '83" sticker. Failing a correct answer, the person who makes the nearest guess will receive the prize.

Wildlife

Watch the Birdie. (September 1982)

The Civil Service is not the only organisation suffering from financial mayhem. Local authorities are also scraping round for ways to save money, which is why Blackpool Corporation has made arrangements to sell off the land now used for Blackpool Zoo to property speculators. The animals will be farmed out to suitable premises in and around the town in what the Publicity Department calls "an exciting new development in the concept of zoological garden design". The Marton Office is to double as an aviary.

A pilot study took place in July. A sparrow was released to see whether bird and office worker could co-exist. Under the principle that the staff should be told as little as possible, the inhabitants were left to guess how the bird had entered the building. Most assumed it had wandered in accidentally, and some attempts were made to catch it. Somebody brought in a fisherman's catch net and attempted to snag it like a giant butterfly. Others worked in teams and tried to throw blankets over it, but the bird was too fast for such unsphisticated methods.

As the sparrow's residence lengthened into weeks and it showed no sign of wasting away or finding an escape route from the office, arguments arose between those who regarded the bird as vermin, as a kind of flying rat, and others, no doubt overdosed on Walt Disney, who regarded it as a cute little tweetie bird. Members of this latter group left out food and water, so the creature was as mobile after three weeks as it had been when it first arrived in the office.

The experiment was declared a success and a team of experts were brought in to capture the flying visitor. Drugged food was left out in its favourite haunt on Level 3, near one of the tea points, just by the large ornamental hole in the floor.

The bird took the bait. When disturbed, it took off rather sluggishly in one of its usual flight paths across the hole. Unable to flap at a sufficient rate, it went under rather than over the far side of the hole and crash landed on Level 2. Uninjured, it was given some hot coffee and an aspirin and taken outside to be reunited with its wife and family.

Now we have to await the completion of negotiations between Blackpool Council and a firm specialising in the construction of luxury high-rise bungalows. As soon as the deal is complete, the Marton Office will be filled with macaws, toucans, golden eagles, vultures, ostriches and emus. The waterfalls will be given over to penguins.

Workers at the St. Annes site should not feel complacent about these developments. Their perimiter fence is to be strengthened and lions are to be introduced. It is felt that this will have the beneficial side-effects of keeping down the staff surplus and cutting the lions' meat bill.

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In the Country with Marton Harry (September 1982)

There's already a good selection of wildlife at Marton. On one of those hot, sunny days in July, I went and sat by one of the ponds beyond the five-a-side football pitch. I sat perfectly still until the animals assumed I was a garden gnome and came out of hiding.

Fish can always be seen just beneath the surface of the water, but I was also able to see a frog leaping about and a dragonfly which looked about a foot long. I resisted any impulse to scream and run away, so didn't miss the chance to see a bird fly repeatedly over the surface of the pond with its lower bill just touching the water. I suppose it must have been after insects, but if any ornithologists can tell me more I'd like to hear from you.

A visit to the ponds makes a good break, unless you suffer from hay fever or an irrational fear of dirty great dragonflies, fish, frogs, birds or garden gnomes.

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The Phantom Canary (September 1982)

Continuing the avian theme of this month's column, I would like to put people's minds at rest about the twittering that is sometimes heard on Level 3. There is no canary trapped in the ventilation system. The noise is caused by something mechanical. Clockwork canaries have been ruled out of the investigations.

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Curse of the Haunted Office. (November 1982)

Ghostly hootings were recently heard in Marton's Stock Block. At first I thought it was some twit trying for a transfer to the dole queue, but the noise was coming from several places at once. Those of a nervous disposition became unsettled, but nobody started making crucifixes or crying for their mother.

Tireless investigations led to the discovery that the noise originated from a workman with a drill. The noise echoed and re-echoed through the air condition system and came out of the vents as an eerie hooting.

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High Technology. (February 1983)

The ventilation system at Marton continues to provide plenty of innocent amusement. One of my colleagues complained of draughts from the ceiling. When the maintenance men came, one of them borrowed a large transit envelope, sellptape and scissors. He removed the grill, sellotaped the transit over the vent and replaced the grill. It did the job and kept my colleague happy.

To be fair to the maintenence men, it was a temporary measure. At least I hope it was.

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Alternative Technology. (February 1983)

It has been calculated that the schemes revealed in last December's Column to raise power from the waterfalls and marathon runners will not be sufficient to meet the needs of the Office.

A further scheme is to be introduced involving Japanese-style communal exercises four times a day. These will make the floors vibrate like a huge bellows, driving an air turbine on Level 1. This scheme will be delayed for some time due to the probability that if we all jumped up and down at once, the building would collapse.

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A Cunning Ruse. (February 1983)

"More women peace protesters were arrested this week as a group of 30 dressed as a snake broke into the American Airbase at Greenhem Common" - Labour Weekly, 11 February 1983.

What beats me is how the guards saw through this brilliant disguise.

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Self Service. (April 1983)

Following last month's revelations about the roof being repaired with a transit envelope, Mike Benson has written, "Do you know that the door to Marton Office Services squeaks?"

I've checked and it does.

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Tackling the Staff Surplus. (November 1983)

Marton Office readers are warned that one faction in management are pressing for someone with a loud, harsh voice to shout "Boo" unexpectedly into the public address system.

It is believed that the resulting heart attacks will significantly increase the amount of natural wastage.

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A New First for Britain. (November 1983)

Following the great tradition of ludicrous feats of endurance, such as attempting to go round the world in a Viking longship or a ten foot yacht, or to do the job sideways over both Poles on foot, I'm helping to publicise "Round the World in a Wardrobe 1984".

A 1944 utility wardrobe has been given a fresh coat of varnish and fitted out with survival equipment ready for the big launch from North Pier by a well known celebrity sometime in the spring.

All that is needed now is someone to grab this opportunity of fame and wealth by sailing the wardrobe from North Pier to North Pier via Cape Horn, the Torres Strait, the Gulf of Aden, the Suez Canal, the Straits of Gibraltar and the Bay of Biscay.

Any volunteers? Anyone want to nominate a friend?

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Music While You Work. (April 1984)

It has been announced that steel bands will be placed around the pillars at Marton. I'm sure all of us who work there will welcome the lively rhythms of the Carribean into our daily routine.

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Civilisation at Last. (April 1984)

After years of whining and complaining we've finally been provided with civilised soft toilet paper.

This item has been abridged by Marton Harry to stay within the limits of good taste and to avoid causing offence to Cambridge graduates working in the Foreign Office for the Russians.

I'm quite prepared to accept this advance in our working conditions as part of our slow advancement from barbarism and not ask any questions about who has shares in companies making soft toilet paper.

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M.P. is Phobic. (April 1984)

Peter Blaker's recent visit to Marton revealed that he is terrified of empty flasks and of coats and jackets draped over chair backs.

In his tour of inspection he was followed round by his hit man who was ready to deal with anyone who produced flasks or items of clothing. He wore a small badge bearing the words, "Go ahead, punk, make my day".

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We Never Close. (April 1984)

Every month, Marton's power is cut off for a few minutes at the start and finish of the emergency generator tests and every month some members of staff continue to work in the gloom.

This has caused some concern about the health and eyesight of those involved.

Any member of staff at Marton can request a miner's helmet from Office Services.

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Another Technological Triumph. (July 1984)

Afficionadoes of the canteen will have come across the highly amusing chip dispensing machine installed during May. Our thanks go to the Novelty Catering Supply Co, a subsidiary of Bendy Staple Supplies PLC.

When the machine was first installed, few realised that if the plate was placed more than an inch below the bottom of the chute, chips would fly all over the place. This caused much amusement for the crowd who gathered to watch.

A brave effort was put in by our canteen staff, who managed to prevent the build-up of chips from blocking the progress of the dinner queue.

News

Rejoice, a Citizen is Born. (September 1982)

Congratulations to Mrs Alice Ordinary of Marton, who gave birth to a 6lb baby boy on 29 July. She has no connexion with CPSA except that some of our members in DHSS pay out her Social Security money.

Alice has named her son "William Philip Arthur Louis". When I asked her why she had named her son after the new son of the Prince of Wales she told me, "It looks as though my kid won't do a day's work in his life either. And if he does, it'll have to be in the armed forces."

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A Placard, a Bucket and Seasons Greetings in Serbo-Croat. (November 1982)

One of the more gullible members of my team was volunteered to collect money at the gates for the NHS dispute, the collection replacing the walkout of 22 September requested by the TUC. If you used the Mythop Road entrance between 7.45 and 8.45 on 24 September, you probably saw him leaning into the wind, propped up by a placard bearing the words, "NHS Collection Point".

Between 3.30 and 4.30 he was in a similar position, with the bonus of driving rain. His collecting bucket contained money and water in about equal quantities.

He has asked me to pass on fraternal greetings to the other collectors and all theose who contributed and to send Seasons Greetings in Serbo-Croat to the following: the Authorities who wouldn't allow the collection to take place in the office; people who were asked to take a turn on the gates, said they were really far down on their flexitime and were seen going home at 3.30; and all those who drove past without putting anything in the bucket.

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The Unkindest Cut. (November 1982)

You will remember that a few months ago our Prime Minister went into hospital, privately, for a minor operation. I have discovered from unimpeachable sources that she had been showing symptoms of the development of scruples, and had them removed before they could have any effect on her work.

Conservative Central Office recently issued an official denial to the rumour that the Iron Lady is a creature of the Powers of Darkness.

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Top Level Transvestism Denial. (February 1983)

Following President Reagan's revelation that Mrs Thatcher was "the best man in Britain", an official spokesman has stressed tht our Prime Minister really is a genuine female, and that she is not Lord Lucan.

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Brain of Britain. (November 1983)

I eavesdrop on other people's conversations in pubs. Recently, I stood next to two National Front members. One was tall and blond, the other average and mousey.

They started discussing Nazi racial ideology. The mousy one said, "You'd be all right. You're an Aryan."

The tall, blond one said, "No, Pisces, actually."

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Silly Old Duffer. (November 1983)

Mention of the surname "Gotobed" in the Competition results has reminded me that one of Edward VII's servants was a Miss Gotobed.

Every morning his servants were lined up to greet him and every morning, when he came to Miss Gotobed, he said, "Ah, Miss Gotobed, when shall we?"

Every morning he laughed at this joke because he fancied himself as a splendid wit and a gay blade.

As far as I am aware, Miss Gotobed's opinion of his humour is unrecorded.

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Celebrities for AGM. (April 1984)

At this year's Annual General Meeting it was agreed that CPSA should place itself outside the law.

To avoid a repetition of this year's low attendance, celebrities are to be invited to future AGM's. I can't tell you who the first guests will be, but don't be surprised if you hear of the Kray Twins being sprung.

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CPSA to Affiliate to the Mafia. (April 1984)

Motion 20 in the last AGM was, "This Conference instructs the NEC to negotiate affiliation of CPSA to the Cosa Nostra, otherwise known as the Mafia".

The motion was put forward by Connie Horrachino, who made a long and impassioned speech about the need for the support of experts in living outside the law. Rico Barnetti formally seconded.

Opposition came from Rupert Mire, who said we'd all end up swimming in concrete boots. Nobody has seen him since.

The vote was taken at 2.12am and was passed by an overwhelming majority of four.

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Mad Terrorist Threatens Insight Editor. (April 1984)

I've received the following anonymous letter:

"I have kidnapped a blue finger cone from the St. Annes site. Unless my demands are met I will melt it down and make a doll of M. B. Godfrey and stick pins in it. More details later."

The perpetrator of this brutality to government property will be brought to justice. Even now, the net is closing in. A team of witch doctors is currently standing guard over out editor to issue counter-curses whenever he shows any sign of distress.

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The Phantom Race. (July 1984)

The Marton Harry Award for silliest event at DNS Sports Day goes to the 100 metres Junior (under 20's) sprint.

Where will they find the competiors?

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New Staff Inspectors' Report. (September 1984)

DCB, GCS, R@RB, staff Branch and other unspecified branches are to be amalgamated into a single unit.

It will be staffed as follows:

One SEO, who will be responsible for issuing confusing and contradictory instructions.

One HEO, who will be in charge of the design and production of confusing forms, with special responsibility for the maintenance of the level of misprints.

One EO in charge of denial of flexi and annual leave to the CO and CA.

One CO, who will spend all day, every day, answering complaints received over the telephone.

One CA, who will do all the actual work.

The new arrangements will cause some delay in workflow, but will result in a considerable reduction in the number of Civil Servants.

Further reductions are being examined.

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Pay Optimism. (September 1984)

A colleague remarked that our 1984 pay rise, which was due on 1st April, will make a nice Christmas bonus.

Yes, but which Christmas?

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Newshound Honoured by Royal Family. (November 1984)

It's been widely rumoured that Prince Charles named his son after Henry Crun of the Goons and that there might be a future Princess Minnie and Princes Eccles, Bluebottle, Moriarty and Griptyte-Thynne.

Not true. Prince Harry has been named after an infamous magazine columnist whom modesty and protocol prevent me from naming.

Oh, all right, you've guessed anyway. And this despite the fact that I'm a republican (with a small "r", of course).

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Miracles of Technology. (February 1985)

That well-known office supply company, Bendy Staples PLC, has come up with a superb new product, waterproof damp pads.

The product has helped to cause a reduction in Civil Service numbers due to Bendy Staples PLC poison envelope gum-related illnesses.

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Gizza Omelette. (February 1985)

A sign in Marton canteen said, "Sorry, no omelettes today due to severe staff shortage".

With about 4 million on the dole, all that was required was to go out to Preston New Road and shout, "Vacancies for omelette makers", and applicants would have flooded in.

But that would have cost money, so we do without our omelettes and someone does without a job.

Biography

Marton's Own Media Superstar (September 1982)

Anyone who works at Marton must stand a reasonable chance of appearing on television. It's only two or three miles to Blackpool's Promenade, where the large vans used by TV crews sometimes form their own traffic jams.

When Russell Harty visited Blackpool on 30 July, Robert Muir, who is chief hack for this inestimable column, appeared on the programme, "Russell Harty at the Seaside". I went along to Robert's home in Cleveleys to conduct an in-depth interview. We relaxed over a bottle of home-brewed bramble wine.

Marton Harry: Tell me in your own words what happened.
Robert Muir: That Friday afternoon I finished work at 4.30 ane walked to the Promenade.
MH: Walked?
RM: It was a sunny day and I enjoy exercise. My bike was in the menders.
MH: Some people wouldn't even walk around the corner for a packet of cigarettes. They'd take the car.
RM: I don't smoke or drive. Anyway, I bought fish and chips at a chip shop well back from the Prom.
MH: Very wise.
RM: And strolled along the front to Central Pier. It's free to go on, so I went out to the end. I saw a great crowd of people just to the north of the Pier, so I went doen onto the beach to see what was going on. They were all watching Russell Harty and a man with two donkeys in a roped offarea on the sand. There was a bunch of kids playing in the sand and a few dozen landladies in there with them, as well as three TV cameras, a director and some assistants.
MH: So what cunning ruse did you use to get on the screen?
RM: Russell Harty was standing next to the man with the donkeys and all the cameras were pointing ath them. They were waiting for the signal to start the interview. I just went and stood where I could look right down the lens of one of the cameras. I was tall enough to see over the heads of the people in front of me. It was all over in a few minutes. The director gave a signal, they did the interview, I think, in one take, then they moved on to the singing landladies.
MH: Were you on screen in the landlady shots?
RM: No. The area round the landladies was packed and the cameras weren't in a good position to shoot the crowd.
MH: What time did all this take place?
RM: About six o'clock. The programme went out at eight thirty the same night.
MH: So you had a chance to see yourself?
RM: I did. I'd arranged to meet someone in the "Grapes" in Blackpool. They have a TV set in there. They were tuned to ITV but when I told the people watching I'd be on at eight thirty, they turned over.
MH: So the tension mounted when the programme started?
RM: Yes. The donkey interview was on halfway through the programme. At first there was no sign of me, then there I was, full face, unobstructed in the middle of the screen, Russell Harty on one side and the man and the two donkeys on the other.
MH: How long were you on screen for?
RM: At least five seconds. Then from another camera angle you could see the top of my head for a while longer.
MH: What reaction did the people in the pub have?
RM: They gave me a round of applause.
MH: Did any of them buy you a drink?
RM: My mate did, but it was his round anyway. Nobody else bothered.
MH: Did anyone else recognise you?
RM: My sister and her kids in Fleetwood saw me, because I'd rung them up and warned them I'd be on. One of my aunts in Scotland saw me. I haven't heard from anyone else. All the people at work who watched the programme seem to have been looking at the donkeys.
MH: Well they say you should never work with kids or animals. Wasn't it Andy Warhol who said everyone should be famous for two minutes?
RM: Probably.
MH: The number of times programmes are repeated, you might eventually get your full tow minutes of a kind of fame. Your image has broadcast at peak viewing time on BBC1. Has it made any difference to your life?
RM: No.
MH: No agents searching you out? No offers of acting or advertising contracts?
RM: Of course not.
MH: At least it got you a personal, in-depth interview in this fine column.
RM: Yeah.
MH: Finally, Rob, as this is an in-depth, probing interview in the finest traditions of investigative journalism, I have to ask you to comment on the allegations that you're crackers.
RM: What allegations?
MH: That you're so severely disturbed that you not only talk to yourself, you hold conversations with yourself.
RM: Nonsense. I'm no more crackers than you are.
MH: I'm glad to hear it. Thank you for being so informative and thanks for the bramble wine.
RM: Don't mention it.

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The Satanic Juke Box. (September 1983)

For a bit of variety, I recently visited the second worst pub in Blackpool. The place was deserted apart from my grandfather and myself. Even the barman had taken himself through to the other bar.

My grandfather went over to the juke box and made two selections. Even as he was walking back to his seat, the dreaded Cliff Richard came on, singing something like, "I Love Myself Sincerely". The old man was furious and was about to shout for the barman, but I persuaded him that he must have pressed the wrong button. He insisted that he had programmed the machine to play "Motorhead Live" and Meatloaf's "Dead Ringer For Love". The Cliff Richard record ended, then "Motorhead Live" came on. My ears were still ringing when "Dead Ringer for Love" erupted.

After the selections were over, I stood beside my grandfather while he selected "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath and "Over the Top" by Motorhead. He did it correctly, but Cliff Richard came on again before his selection.

I put it down to an electronic fault, but my grandfather is inclined to the belief that Cliff Richard's powers extend beyond the ageing portrait he keeps in his attic.

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A Matter of Style. (February 1985)

I apologise for the exclamation marks which sometimes appear in this Column.

I never use exclamation marks and the sight of two of them standing next to each other makes me cringe, but somehow they creep into the Column between leaving me and appearing in Insight.

If I write something funny, outrageous or controversial, there's surely no need to underline the fact with punk punctuation.

(The exclamation marks in question have been deleted for this online version. Nowadays I very occasionally use an exclamation mark for parodic purposes.)