If a certain evening newspaper can start up an new agony column in a desperate attempt to boost circulation, there's no reason Marton Harry's Column can't have one.
I've obtained the services of Aunty Gladys, an expert in human relationships. She's had 14 children, been divorced five times and in a life spanning 67 hectic years has been a photographic model, masseuse, courier, drug addict, Justice of the Peace, faith healer, exotic dancer, crocodile tamer and clerical assistant. She has spent three years in the East, a victim of the white slave trade, before she learnt the Oriental martial arts and fought her way to freedom.
If you have a problem, or just want advice, write to Aunty Gladys. She is, of course, retired, and is running a little business she doesn't want publicised, but she can be reached c/o Robert Muir, (replacement address) rmuirbsc@fsmail.net
***********************************
Normal Service Will Be Resumed...(January 1983)
If bits of this month's column appear strange, it's only because the original deadline for Insight was 7 January, so I was still recovering from New Year when I wrote this stuff. Aunty Gladys will not be contributing to this particular column. She went up to Scotland for Hogmanay and won't be back until the celebrations are over. Last year, it was the end of February before she arrived back.
******************
Aunty Gladys Solves Your Problems. (May 1983)
Aunty Gladys arrived at Blackpool Airport a few days ago in a boiler suit and what she claimed was an all-over tan. She was accompanied by several gentlemen of swarthy and sinister appearance, but as none of them spoke English and Aunty Gladys didn't let on, I never found out who they were.
The dear old thing is sorting through her mountain of mail which had piled up behind the door of her penthouse flat, and will definitely be solving some problems in next month's column.
****************
Aunty Gladys Solves your Problems. (September 1983)
We've received several problems for Aunty Gladys, but I'm afraid both the problems and the answers are unprintable in a genteel column such as this. The readers who wrote in have been answered privately.
Send your problems to Aunty Gladys. Absolute confidentiality is assured. There is no possibility that someone will call round at your house to blackmail you. Honestly.
**********************
Aunty Gladys Solves Your Problems. (November 1983)
Or rather she doesn't, because she's got on the wrong side of both the CIA and the KGB and has gone into hiding for fear of counter-assassination. Even I don't know where she is.
**********************
Aunty Gladys Travels the World. (July 1984)
Those of you with problems will just have to be patient a while longer, because Aunty Gladys is likely to be out of the country for some time.
I've received a postcard from her in which she says she's preparing to open a chain of off-licences in Iran.
Anyone who wants to buy shares in this venture, which will benefit from a remarkable lack of competition, should contact the Where to Write address. Cheques to be made payable to the Send Marton Harry back to Florida Fund.
*********************
Aunty Gladys Returns. (November 1984)
Never mind what my fatuous nephew, Marton, wrote in the July edition of Insight, which I have just had the misfortune to read - I have not been running an off-licence in Iran.
I went to the Middle East on a working holiday and if I was able to help in distributing a few thousand cases of Japanese vodka to the thirsty, that's something Marton should keep his mouth shut about.
He was wrong, as you would expect, about the KGB and the FBI both being after me. The Americans and I get along fine since our little difficulty was sorted out and I've never even met the Politburo, let alone tried to have them overthrown and replaced by libertarian anarcho-syndicalists. I'm just a kind, harmless old lady who wouldn't hurt anybody unless severely provoked.
Anyway, enough about me and on to your problems. I don't have room to print your letters, so I'll just print my replies.
To FSP: Your first problem is common among people your age. My medical dictionary says that some people's brown fat cells don't work properly in turning fat into heat and this is a more common cause of obesity than eating too much. You should see your doctor. He might talk you into having your jaws wired together, so be warned. However, I suggest you cut down on the 14 pints of lager you drink every day. That would also clear up the other problems you mention.
If you must continue to drink, try Japanese vodka, diluted with large amounts of water. It's a much less fattening substitute for lager. I'm sending you an address you can write to for a supply. Let me know what pubs you drink in and I'll arrange for some salesmen to visit them and persuade them to stock the best quality Japanese spirits.
To UH: I'm afraid your problems come from your chosen way of life. I've never met you, only read your letter, but even I dislike you. It may be too late for you to change your way of acting towards other people, but extreme measures sometimes work. A few years of living in a commune run by a fraudulent religion might help you to reassess yourself and see what you've been doing wrong.
I'm sending you some addresses. You'll run the risk of being brainwashed and spending the rest of your life pestering people on their doorsteps or in shopping arcades, but even that would be an improvement on your present pitiful state.
Or it might be cheaper, if less comfortable, to go and live alone in a cave in North Wales. I'm sending you the address of Hermit Refugees PLC, who should be able to help you.
To CP: Boredom can be a terrible thing, but it can be overcome by hard work, clean living and exercise. Instead, start a hobby. Write your memoirs. Plan your retirement. My book, "1,001 Unsettling Things to Do in your Spare Time" by Gladys Purbright (Harridan Press, £1.75 paperback, £4.95 hardback) is available at W.H. Smiths and all good bookshops.
To all my readers: Send your problems to the address at the foot of the column. If I don't see you before then, have a Merry Christmas.
***************
Aunty Gladys Solves your Problems. (February 1985)
Aunty Gladys appears to have been kidnapped by aliens.
**************
Aunty Gladys on the Run. (March 1987)
I've had a letter from Brazil in which Aunty Gladys says she's living in what's left of the Amazon jungle with some construction workers. She wrote that she was trying to re-establish her fortune by tapping for rubber, but just who she was tapping and with what she didn't say.
No comments:
Post a Comment