News

A Reasonable Offer. (February 1983)

Trade Unionists are still stunned by the news that slavery is to be introduced in the Civil Service in time for the 1984 pay agreement.

The information was leaked after a think tank proposal was discussed and accepted by the Cabinet. The new arrangements will be introduced gradually, with slaves working alongside what the report calls "mercenaries" for the next ten to fifteen years until independent Civil Servants are phased out.

The proposals originated from a study group who went to the Sultanate of Batar, to learn ways of improving Britain's penal system. While there, they were impressed by the fabulous wealth of top Bataris and by the widespread, though unofficial use of slavery. It was felt that Batar's wealth did not come from its vast output of oil; Britain's oil wasn't making Britain wealthier. The secret of the tiny Sultanate lay in its economic and social systems. The British government's policy is to make Britain rich by making its ordinary citizens, especially Civil Servants, increasingly poorer, so if they can be made so poor that they don't even own themselves, the country is bound to become really rich and be able to re-establish the Empire.

The changeover from mercenary to property status for Britain's Civil Service will be voluntary at first. The report points out the advantages of slavery:no responsibility, no bills to pay, no problems about what to eat or what to wear, free accommodation in comfortable dungeons at night and modern offices during the day, no entry forms from Readers Digest competitions and lots more.

There will be a number of spinoff benefits from the new system. The standard Civil Service menu will be gruel and horse bones, but arrangements will be made to reduce the EEC's food mountains. If butter and wine become particularly troublesome, each government employee will sit down to a plate heaped with nourishing butte and a beaker of delicious, non-vintage Eurowine at every meal until the surpluses disappear.

If anyone prefers to continue working for money and has skills required by the government, there will be special incentive schemes to encourage co-operation. This will include not having your relatives disappear, not having electrodes attached to places you'd rather not have them attached, and, to celebrate 1984, not being locked in a room with whatever you have a phobia about.

Several advances over Britain's last slavery system will be made. The new slavery will be non-racist, with Whites as well as Blacks included, although special attention will be given to Scotsmen, who have a tendency to be troublesome and left wing when left to their own devices.

There will be a campaign in the press and on television to persuade the population of the benefits of slavery under the slogan, "Britons shall be free". The freedom referred to is, of course, from worry about where to live, what to eat, what to wear, and so on.

Union leaders plan to mount an opposition campaign and to take industrial action, provided they can get a majority of Civil Servants to support them.

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Round the World in a Wardrobe '84 Update. (April 1984)

Plans are well in hand for the greatest adventure of the decade, first reported in this column last November.

In December a ramp was built from North Pier to the sea, and after careful safety inspections, was declared ready for use in January.

The honour of being the test-pilot in the 1944 utility wardrobe fell to lively ex-Civil Servant, 78 year old Charles Clifton.

Special thanks go to the management of Derby Baths, who allowed Mr. Clifton to train in Splashland, using a scale model wardrobe.

The first test launch of the real thing took place on Saturday 21st January in the presence of Miss Round the World in a Wardrobe '84, the lovely Tracey Murtagh.

The launch was a complete success, although the wardrobe disintegrated when it hit the water. Mr. Clifton came ashore at Lytham several hours later. As he strode up the beach he expressed disappointment that he couldn't go round again.

Volunteers from Fleetwood Nautical College collected the bits of wardrobe, which was reassembled in late January and early February. A lead lining was added to the wardrobe to give in increased impact resistance.

On Saturday, 18th February, 22 year old Tracey Murtagh was again on hand to watch the second launch of the 40 year old wardrobe. Unfortunately, part of North Pier collapsed while the wardrobe was still on it, so the wardrobe had to be excavated from the sand below the pier and brought back up to the Promenade by crane.

The launch attempt was abandoned until the pier could be reinforced, but while the work was proceeding severe storms washed away the specially built wardrobe launching ramp.

Rather than rebuild the ramp, the organisers of Round the World in a Wardobe '84 have decided to go for a catapult launch from the Promenade opposite the Blackpool Tower. This will necessitate the streamlining of the wardrobe by the addition of a steel outer shell with delta wings, but the organisers are confident that the redesign work will be complete in time for the launch in August.

Negotiations are currently being conducted with Blackpool Borough Council for the removal of a section of railing from the seaward side of the Promenade.

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Round the World in a Wardrobe '84 Ends in Confusion. (July 1984)

Proposed modifications to the 1944 utility wardrobe led to a split in the organising committee. Many of the committee felt that the addition of a lead lining, steel shell and delta wings destroyed the spirit of the whole enterprise. Others felt they were vitally necessary.

A bitter quarrel took place at the committee meeting held on June 9th. Motions of no confidence in everyone present were passed. All the officers of the committee resigned. Not to be outdone, all the committee members did likewise.

Round the World in a Wardrobe '84 was a noble ideal, even though the attempt to put it into practice failed. Everyone involved has returned to their old ways of life, except the Organising Committee Treasurer, who has gone on an extended visit to South America.

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Scrooge Supporters Routed. (May 1985)

At the CPSA Annual General Meeting the incredibly important issue of whether CPSA should send Christmas Cards to senior management was debated.

After listening to arguments that senior management sent cards to CPSA and our cards are bought from Amnesty International, the overwhelming majority voted to carry on sending the cards.

We don't send cards on other occasions such as Father's Day or Mother's Day, but it's probably just as well there's no Job Cutter's Day.

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True Story. (May 1985)

A widow returned a prize warrant sent to her late husband before we knew of his death.

She wrote, "I am returning a cheque which you sent and of course all his defects come to me, his wife".

I expect she now has prostate trouble and smokes a smelly old pipe.

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Another True Story. (May 1985)

Another widow wrote, "I am sad to say I have just lost my husband. While searching the house I found these Premium Bonds".

Thanks to Dave Ingham for coming across this one.

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