I was going to review "Nuclear War, the Facts on Our Survival" by Peter Goodwin in detail, but the recent BBC programme, "QED - A Guide to Armageddon" and that other one about burying people alive for a fortnight covered much of the same ground. If you watched the programmes, you'll be depressed enough already without me going on and on about how we'll get our windows broken if they plant one on Preston or when not to bother treating radiation sickness.
The only consolation I have from reading the book is that most of the people who have fallout shelters stand little better chance of survival than you or me. They'll be killed anyway if they're too near the detonation and are likely to be mugged as soon as they put their heads above ground. Traditionalists will be pleased that stealing bread is likely to become a capital offence again.
Peter Goodwin's book is worth reading even if only for its hints on how to manage if by some miracle you did survive a nuclear war. For instance, you can decontaminate water by allowing it to stand until the dust has settled to the bottom, then scooping carefully from the top.
Tinned food might be irradiated but still be perfectly safe provided you wash all the dust off the tin with your decontaminated water. I'd hate to think of you starving to death, surrounded by safe food you were afraid to eat. You'll have enough problems without that.
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Rumbles and Rumours. (November 1982)
Marton staff will remember the day when the office shook and a rumbling could be heard. Fortunately, nobody thought it was World War 3 and started doing whatever they plan to do in their last 4 munutes. Plenty of other explanations were put forward, though.
I and several other people were told, with great authority, that supersonic aircraft were being tested at Warton and we were suffering from the sonic bangs. The rumbles were a bit too frequent for that, unless a flock of planes were flying back and forth, so other theories developed.
One was that the road menders at Staining had punctured the gas mains and Staining was being reduced to rubble by a series of explosions. I glanced out of the window and failed to see the ecpected pall of smoke.
Thorough journalistic investigations revealed that of all the unlikely things a company was prospecting for oil under Staining. They were drilling holes, dropping sticks of dynamite down them and measuring the vibrations.
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Black Gold Bonananza. (November 1982)
The search for oil under Staining presents exciting prospects for the development of Marton Office Oil. Any bright young reader should be searching out evening classes in wildcatting, troubleshooting, deep sea diving and other oil-related activities.
Their existing jobs are likely to go when the site is given away to private enterprise and our less profitable activities are transferred to derelict huts somewhere.
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It's a Gas. (November 1982)
A workman removed part of the false ceiling near my desk and after a while did something to create a noise like air escaping from a tyre. I want to make it clear at once that the noise came from the roof and not from the workman. Marton Harry's Column does not deal in vulgarity. This noise continued off and on for about half an hour, indicating the presence of a large column of gas between the false ceiling and the roof.
The most obvious explanation was that there are vast balloons full of helium up there, making it possible to convert the office into a giant zeppelin for escape in the event of nuclear war or civil disorder. However, the office is allegedly too firmly embedded for this to be the case.
My team of fearless reporters are currently investigating the nature of the gasses being pumped around the building. Tear gas, for use in counteracting riots or Yuletide overexuberance, has not been ruled out, nor have top secret mind control gasses. It may even be air, pumped round as part of the air-conditioning system.
If this column disappears suddenly, you can draw your own conclusions.
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Mystery of the Disappearing Civil Servants. (February 1985)
There has been a steady decline in the number of people in the office, so where have they all gone?
What sort of meat is in the canteen meat pies?
What is on Level 4?
Are these questions unconnected?
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