The Civil Service is not the only organisation suffering from financial mayhem. Local authorities are also scraping round for ways to save money, which is why Blackpool Corporation has made arrangements to sell off the land now used for Blackpool Zoo to property speculators. The animals will be farmed out to suitable premises in and around the town in what the Publicity Department calls "an exciting new development in the concept of zoological garden design". The Marton Office is to double as an aviary.
A pilot study took place in July. A sparrow was released to see whether bird and office worker could co-exist. Under the principle that the staff should be told as little as possible, the inhabitants were left to guess how the bird had entered the building. Most assumed it had wandered in accidentally, and some attempts were made to catch it. Somebody brought in a fisherman's catch net and attempted to snag it like a giant butterfly. Others worked in teams and tried to throw blankets over it, but the bird was too fast for such unsphisticated methods.
As the sparrow's residence lengthened into weeks and it showed no sign of wasting away or finding an escape route from the office, arguments arose between those who regarded the bird as vermin, as a kind of flying rat, and others, no doubt overdosed on Walt Disney, who regarded it as a cute little tweetie bird. Members of this latter group left out food and water, so the creature was as mobile after three weeks as it had been when it first arrived in the office.
The experiment was declared a success and a team of experts were brought in to capture the flying visitor. Drugged food was left out in its favourite haunt on Level 3, near one of the tea points, just by the large ornamental hole in the floor.
The bird took the bait. When disturbed, it took off rather sluggishly in one of its usual flight paths across the hole. Unable to flap at a sufficient rate, it went under rather than over the far side of the hole and crash landed on Level 2. Uninjured, it was given some hot coffee and an aspirin and taken outside to be reunited with its wife and family.
Now we have to await the completion of negotiations between Blackpool Council and a firm specialising in the construction of luxury high-rise bungalows. As soon as the deal is complete, the Marton Office will be filled with macaws, toucans, golden eagles, vultures, ostriches and emus. The waterfalls will be given over to penguins.
Workers at the St. Annes site should not feel complacent about these developments. Their perimiter fence is to be strengthened and lions are to be introduced. It is felt that this will have the beneficial side-effects of keeping down the staff surplus and cutting the lions' meat bill.
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In the Country with Marton Harry (September 1982)
There's already a good selection of wildlife at Marton. On one of those hot, sunny days in July, I went and sat by one of the ponds beyond the five-a-side football pitch. I sat perfectly still until the animals assumed I was a garden gnome and came out of hiding.
Fish can always be seen just beneath the surface of the water, but I was also able to see a frog leaping about and a dragonfly which looked about a foot long. I resisted any impulse to scream and run away, so didn't miss the chance to see a bird fly repeatedly over the surface of the pond with its lower bill just touching the water. I suppose it must have been after insects, but if any ornithologists can tell me more I'd like to hear from you.
A visit to the ponds makes a good break, unless you suffer from hay fever or an irrational fear of dirty great dragonflies, fish, frogs, birds or garden gnomes.
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The Phantom Canary (September 1982)
Continuing the avian theme of this month's column, I would like to put people's minds at rest about the twittering that is sometimes heard on Level 3. There is no canary trapped in the ventilation system. The noise is caused by something mechanical. Clockwork canaries have been ruled out of the investigations.
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Curse of the Haunted Office. (November 1982)
Ghostly hootings were recently heard in Marton's Stock Block. At first I thought it was some twit trying for a transfer to the dole queue, but the noise was coming from several places at once. Those of a nervous disposition became unsettled, but nobody started making crucifixes or crying for their mother.
Tireless investigations led to the discovery that the noise originated from a workman with a drill. The noise echoed and re-echoed through the air condition system and came out of the vents as an eerie hooting.
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High Technology. (February 1983)
The ventilation system at Marton continues to provide plenty of innocent amusement. One of my colleagues complained of draughts from the ceiling. When the maintenance men came, one of them borrowed a large transit envelope, sellptape and scissors. He removed the grill, sellotaped the transit over the vent and replaced the grill. It did the job and kept my colleague happy.
To be fair to the maintenence men, it was a temporary measure. At least I hope it was.
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Alternative Technology. (February 1983)
It has been calculated that the schemes revealed in last December's Column to raise power from the waterfalls and marathon runners will not be sufficient to meet the needs of the Office.
A further scheme is to be introduced involving Japanese-style communal exercises four times a day. These will make the floors vibrate like a huge bellows, driving an air turbine on Level 1. This scheme will be delayed for some time due to the probability that if we all jumped up and down at once, the building would collapse.
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A Cunning Ruse. (February 1983)
"More women peace protesters were arrested this week as a group of 30 dressed as a snake broke into the American Airbase at Greenhem Common" - Labour Weekly, 11 February 1983.
What beats me is how the guards saw through this brilliant disguise.
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Self Service. (April 1983)
Following last month's revelations about the roof being repaired with a transit envelope, Mike Benson has written, "Do you know that the door to Marton Office Services squeaks?"
I've checked and it does.
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Tackling the Staff Surplus. (November 1983)
Marton Office readers are warned that one faction in management are pressing for someone with a loud, harsh voice to shout "Boo" unexpectedly into the public address system.
It is believed that the resulting heart attacks will significantly increase the amount of natural wastage.
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A New First for Britain. (November 1983)
Following the great tradition of ludicrous feats of endurance, such as attempting to go round the world in a Viking longship or a ten foot yacht, or to do the job sideways over both Poles on foot, I'm helping to publicise "Round the World in a Wardrobe 1984".
A 1944 utility wardrobe has been given a fresh coat of varnish and fitted out with survival equipment ready for the big launch from North Pier by a well known celebrity sometime in the spring.
All that is needed now is someone to grab this opportunity of fame and wealth by sailing the wardrobe from North Pier to North Pier via Cape Horn, the Torres Strait, the Gulf of Aden, the Suez Canal, the Straits of Gibraltar and the Bay of Biscay.
Any volunteers? Anyone want to nominate a friend?
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Music While You Work. (April 1984)
It has been announced that steel bands will be placed around the pillars at Marton. I'm sure all of us who work there will welcome the lively rhythms of the Carribean into our daily routine.
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Civilisation at Last. (April 1984)
After years of whining and complaining we've finally been provided with civilised soft toilet paper.
This item has been abridged by Marton Harry to stay within the limits of good taste and to avoid causing offence to Cambridge graduates working in the Foreign Office for the Russians.
I'm quite prepared to accept this advance in our working conditions as part of our slow advancement from barbarism and not ask any questions about who has shares in companies making soft toilet paper.
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M.P. is Phobic. (April 1984)
Peter Blaker's recent visit to Marton revealed that he is terrified of empty flasks and of coats and jackets draped over chair backs.
In his tour of inspection he was followed round by his hit man who was ready to deal with anyone who produced flasks or items of clothing. He wore a small badge bearing the words, "Go ahead, punk, make my day".
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We Never Close. (April 1984)
Every month, Marton's power is cut off for a few minutes at the start and finish of the emergency generator tests and every month some members of staff continue to work in the gloom.
This has caused some concern about the health and eyesight of those involved.
Any member of staff at Marton can request a miner's helmet from Office Services.
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Another Technological Triumph. (July 1984)
Afficionadoes of the canteen will have come across the highly amusing chip dispensing machine installed during May. Our thanks go to the Novelty Catering Supply Co, a subsidiary of Bendy Staple Supplies PLC.
When the machine was first installed, few realised that if the plate was placed more than an inch below the bottom of the chute, chips would fly all over the place. This caused much amusement for the crowd who gathered to watch.
A brave effort was put in by our canteen staff, who managed to prevent the build-up of chips from blocking the progress of the dinner queue.
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