Style

Style. (July 1985)

I boarded a bus recently and sat near an old lady whose face was paralysed down one side. She was frail and looked like she'd led a long and tiring life.

She was wearing a "Sport for All" badge.

That's what I call style.

***************

Modern Scientific Robots Rule O.K. (August 1986)

A 1957 leaflet describing the new Premium Savings Bonds contained the following:

"It would be jolly difficult to draw numbers from an drum every month if only because the drum would have to hold millions of tickets or counterfoils. Instead the draw will be done by a modern scientific robot. The scientists call it electronic random number indicator equipment! We call it by its initials - ERNIE."

They don't write them like that any more. Thank goodness.

My thanks to Sue Carter for showing me a copy of the leaflet.

***************

Hand in Hand. (August 1986)

You should have received your new membership card with the free bumper bundle of leaflets on how to sexually harass your colleagues and suchlike. I found the free plastic bag particularly useful for putting things in.

Now that you've been drafted into Blackpool Trades Club, I suggest you take a trip down there for the live entertainment, bingo, provided you've been lobotomised, and food.

Because I live on a converted oil rig several miles out in the Irish Sea for security reasons, I've not been able to get to the Trades Club for a few years, so I've forgotten whether the beer is cask or keg. Keg beer has unfortunate effects on my metabolism. Perhaps you'll send me a beer report if you go.

****************

Marton Harry's Top Thirty. (March 1987)

If you accidentally watch Top of the Pops and the Top Thirty looks like this, you're probably about as old as I feel.

30 An enormous transvestite.
29 A group led by a weedy transvestite.
28 Yet another transvestite. No, it's a woman in silly makeup.
27 Cliff Richard and somebody else's wife.
26 Some young women who look like your daughters.
25 Some young men who look like your daughters.
24 Some pretend hippies.
23 Some people disguised as zombies.
22 Some zombies.
21 Some hippies.
20 A group whose main claim to fame is their hairstyles.
19 That bald bloke.
18 The late, great whatsisname.
17 Statua Quo.
16 Some extremely attractive young women.
15 Some guitar-swinging louts.
14 That football club chairman with the hair transplant.
13 Some puppets from a TV series you've never seen.
12 The star of a soap opera you've never seen.
11 The Pervert from the Black Lagoon.
10 Something nasty from the woodshed.
9 A TV advert for deodorant.
8 A group of either very strange men or incredibly ugly women.
7 An ordinary-looking man dressed as a man, who strikes a note of discord in these surroundings and does the same when he sings.
6 Something disguised as half a pantomine duck.
5 A film clip.
4 Something disguised as the other half of a pantomime duck.
3 A pantomime duck.
2 Somebody who ought to be locked up.
1 Somebody who surely must be locked up and only allowed out to visit the recording studio and film set.