Bonus

Special Online Bonus.

Different Worlds. (April 2004)

While I was watching an important documentary on Channel 4, I was flicking through the channels during the adverts, as you do.

I came across an American lout on one of the music channels saying, "For those of you who don't know me," with a smug grin which said, "Big joke. Everybody knows who I am".

I had absolutely no idea who he was. A caption said he was J. C. Chickens or something.

You can be a superstar in your own world, but a big daft lump in someone else's.

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Unexploded Fruitcake. (September 2003)

The following happened at the Saint Annes Office when Marton Harry was not around, so was not reported in Insight.

At a time when the IRA were setting off bombs on the British mainland, a clerk reported a shopping bag which appeared to have no owner. A Higher Executive Officer (HEO) picked up the bag and took it round various rooms in the office.

Robert Muir was at his desk when the HEO entered, holding the bag at arm's length, and said, "Does anyone know who owns this bag?"

Muir was a few feet from the bag and considered going out of the window, but thought the HEO might become excited and unpredictable, so stayed still.

The HEO eventually put the bag in his own room and the police were called. The Bomb Squad arrived from Liverpool and used a machine to sniff the bag for explosives. The result was positive and the office was evacuated.

A remote-controlled robot blew up the bag, which turned out to contain a cake topped with marzipan, which smelt like explosives to the sniffer.

Instead of being sacked as a danger to his colleagues or medically retired due to mental incompetence, the suspect-package-wielding HEO was shortly afterwards promoted to Senior Executive Officer.

The Civil Service is full of injustice and stupidity, but it does provide a handy dumping ground for rejects and inadequates. Surprisingly few of their offices burn down and surprisingly few of them die at work, so someone must be looking after them.

It provided Robert Muir with beer money before he knew better.

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Smokers. (September 2003)

Back in the '80's, people were allowed to smoke in the office. At some point, the canteen was divided into smoking and non-smoking areas. What must the smokers' faces look like after a couple of decades of kippering? I'd prefer not to see them.

I've never smoked regularly. My face looks about ten years younger than it should, I can kick my own arse with my heels from a standing start, and I'm rich. Life is good.

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Where Are They Now?

The trinity who created Marton Harry's Column split up in 1987 and came together briefly to create this online version.

Marton Harry was not American, but he cashed in the Send Marton Harry Back to Florida Fund and went to live in the state which so impressed him as a visitor. He is now in real estate in Orlando and Miami. He attends every space launch from Cape Canaveral.

Aunty Gladys was last heard of in Iraq, hunting Saddam Hussein for the reward money and for the sport.

The further adventures of Robert Muir are described on his poetry website, available via the Links page. He now describes himself as a web builder, poet, humorist, actor and singer.

Some minor contributors to Marton Harry's Column have been written out of history in an Orwellian manner to avoid any arguments about copyright or because they were not very funny.