Congratulations to Mrs Alice Ordinary of Marton, who gave birth to a 6lb baby boy on 29 July. She has no connexion with CPSA except that some of our members in DHSS pay out her Social Security money.
Alice has named her son "William Philip Arthur Louis". When I asked her why she had named her son after the new son of the Prince of Wales she told me, "It looks as though my kid won't do a day's work in his life either. And if he does, it'll have to be in the armed forces."
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A Placard, a Bucket and Seasons Greetings in Serbo-Croat. (November 1982)
One of the more gullible members of my team was volunteered to collect money at the gates for the NHS dispute, the collection replacing the walkout of 22 September requested by the TUC. If you used the Mythop Road entrance between 7.45 and 8.45 on 24 September, you probably saw him leaning into the wind, propped up by a placard bearing the words, "NHS Collection Point".
Between 3.30 and 4.30 he was in a similar position, with the bonus of driving rain. His collecting bucket contained money and water in about equal quantities.
He has asked me to pass on fraternal greetings to the other collectors and all theose who contributed and to send Seasons Greetings in Serbo-Croat to the following: the Authorities who wouldn't allow the collection to take place in the office; people who were asked to take a turn on the gates, said they were really far down on their flexitime and were seen going home at 3.30; and all those who drove past without putting anything in the bucket.
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The Unkindest Cut. (November 1982)
You will remember that a few months ago our Prime Minister went into hospital, privately, for a minor operation. I have discovered from unimpeachable sources that she had been showing symptoms of the development of scruples, and had them removed before they could have any effect on her work.
Conservative Central Office recently issued an official denial to the rumour that the Iron Lady is a creature of the Powers of Darkness.
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Top Level Transvestism Denial. (February 1983)
Following President Reagan's revelation that Mrs Thatcher was "the best man in Britain", an official spokesman has stressed tht our Prime Minister really is a genuine female, and that she is not Lord Lucan.
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Brain of Britain. (November 1983)
I eavesdrop on other people's conversations in pubs. Recently, I stood next to two National Front members. One was tall and blond, the other average and mousey.
They started discussing Nazi racial ideology. The mousy one said, "You'd be all right. You're an Aryan."
The tall, blond one said, "No, Pisces, actually."
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Silly Old Duffer. (November 1983)
Mention of the surname "Gotobed" in the Competition results has reminded me that one of Edward VII's servants was a Miss Gotobed.
Every morning his servants were lined up to greet him and every morning, when he came to Miss Gotobed, he said, "Ah, Miss Gotobed, when shall we?"
Every morning he laughed at this joke because he fancied himself as a splendid wit and a gay blade.
As far as I am aware, Miss Gotobed's opinion of his humour is unrecorded.
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Celebrities for AGM. (April 1984)
At this year's Annual General Meeting it was agreed that CPSA should place itself outside the law.
To avoid a repetition of this year's low attendance, celebrities are to be invited to future AGM's. I can't tell you who the first guests will be, but don't be surprised if you hear of the Kray Twins being sprung.
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CPSA to Affiliate to the Mafia. (April 1984)
Motion 20 in the last AGM was, "This Conference instructs the NEC to negotiate affiliation of CPSA to the Cosa Nostra, otherwise known as the Mafia".
The motion was put forward by Connie Horrachino, who made a long and impassioned speech about the need for the support of experts in living outside the law. Rico Barnetti formally seconded.
Opposition came from Rupert Mire, who said we'd all end up swimming in concrete boots. Nobody has seen him since.
The vote was taken at 2.12am and was passed by an overwhelming majority of four.
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Mad Terrorist Threatens Insight Editor. (April 1984)
I've received the following anonymous letter:
"I have kidnapped a blue finger cone from the St. Annes site. Unless my demands are met I will melt it down and make a doll of M. B. Godfrey and stick pins in it. More details later."
The perpetrator of this brutality to government property will be brought to justice. Even now, the net is closing in. A team of witch doctors is currently standing guard over out editor to issue counter-curses whenever he shows any sign of distress.
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The Phantom Race. (July 1984)
The Marton Harry Award for silliest event at DNS Sports Day goes to the 100 metres Junior (under 20's) sprint.
Where will they find the competiors?
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New Staff Inspectors' Report. (September 1984)
DCB, GCS, R@RB, staff Branch and other unspecified branches are to be amalgamated into a single unit.
It will be staffed as follows:
One SEO, who will be responsible for issuing confusing and contradictory instructions.
One HEO, who will be in charge of the design and production of confusing forms, with special responsibility for the maintenance of the level of misprints.
One EO in charge of denial of flexi and annual leave to the CO and CA.
One CO, who will spend all day, every day, answering complaints received over the telephone.
One CA, who will do all the actual work.
The new arrangements will cause some delay in workflow, but will result in a considerable reduction in the number of Civil Servants.
Further reductions are being examined.
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Pay Optimism. (September 1984)
A colleague remarked that our 1984 pay rise, which was due on 1st April, will make a nice Christmas bonus.
Yes, but which Christmas?
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Newshound Honoured by Royal Family. (November 1984)
It's been widely rumoured that Prince Charles named his son after Henry Crun of the Goons and that there might be a future Princess Minnie and Princes Eccles, Bluebottle, Moriarty and Griptyte-Thynne.
Not true. Prince Harry has been named after an infamous magazine columnist whom modesty and protocol prevent me from naming.
Oh, all right, you've guessed anyway. And this despite the fact that I'm a republican (with a small "r", of course).
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Miracles of Technology. (February 1985)
That well-known office supply company, Bendy Staples PLC, has come up with a superb new product, waterproof damp pads.
The product has helped to cause a reduction in Civil Service numbers due to Bendy Staples PLC poison envelope gum-related illnesses.
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Gizza Omelette. (February 1985)
A sign in Marton canteen said, "Sorry, no omelettes today due to severe staff shortage".
With about 4 million on the dole, all that was required was to go out to Preston New Road and shout, "Vacancies for omelette makers", and applicants would have flooded in.
But that would have cost money, so we do without our omelettes and someone does without a job.
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