Regulars

Interesting Fact File 14. (July 1985)

Malignant Melanoma is not a Greek pop singer.

*************

Marton Harry's Beauty Tip 1. (July 1985)

There's no need to spend money on eye shadow when the same effect can be created free at work. Dampen your eyelids with water, then rub them on a blue roller towel.

An interesting "Morticia" effect can be created by washing the whole face and drying certain areas with a roller towel. Experiment to find the best result.

***************

Scottish Milk Marketing Board Competition. (November 1985)

Being a high tech sort of person, I subscribe to Prestel. I was browsing one night and came across a competition restricted to milk producers. I felt quite left out and underprivileged until I read on and saw that five special prizes of young bull semen were to be awarded.

That makes my "Campaign '83" stickers seem quite appealing.

****************

Marton Harry's Competition 16. (November 1985)

I see that Staff Branch has been renamed Personnel Branch on the principle that we shouldn't use one syllable words where three syllable words will do.

Prize Branch is now Prize Draw Branch to avoid having two "PB's" in the Bonds and Stock Office. Brilliant.

Try to be equally inventive in renaming the other branches, for example, "Bereavement Proprietorial Establishment Branch" for Death Claims Branch.

There will be five special prizes of, er, "Campaign '83" stickers for the most interesting and amusing entries.

**************

Interesting Fact File 15. (March 1986)

Renaud Sachan, whose record about Madame Thatcher reached Number One in the French hit parade, is a fine fellow and an example to us all.

**************

Interesting Fact File 16. (March 1986)

I feel proud and humble to report that I have just been awarded this country's highest honour, Hero of the Soviet Union. ((Robert - Make sure this does not appear in the British version. MH.))

**************

Interesting Fact File 17. (August 1986)

Ozzie Osbourne, the showbiz personality, has picked up the Amarican habit of shouting, "Let's have some rock and roll craziness" at his audience.

When he does this in America, the audience jump up and wave their arms in the air. Here, they either sit and glare at him or hit each other.

****************

Marton Harry's Competition 17. (August 1986)

Who said, "The price of democracy is eternal vigilance"?

The reason I've set this competition is that I can't remember who said it and it's bugging me.

The first correct answer drown out of the revolutionary black beret will win a highly esteemed "Campaign '83" sticker. None of your paltry £5 prizes here.

I've just realised that "Campaign" stickers must be Trotskyite and "Campaign '83" aren't.

*************

Interesting Fact File 18. (March 1987)

Her Majesty the Queen never carries money. She has a servant who does it for her. She calls him "Pursey".

*************

Marton Harry's Competition 18. (Christmas 1987)

Professor R. Lust is the Director General of the Eurpoean Space Agency, or he was the last time I checked. Name the rest of the Seven Deadly Sins and the positions they occupy.

Entrants naming six of the Seven Dwarves will be treated with a certain amount of sympathy but are not likely to win. Entrants blatanly making up sins such as thatchering, kinnocking, owening or steeling will be considered on their merits, or denounced as Trotskyites. The judge's decision is final, which is a real power trip for the judge.

The prize will be an antique and highly sought-after "Campaign '83" sticker. Send your entries to Robert Muir, Sick Building Syndrome Ward...