The latest amendment to the Trades Unions (Eradication) Act 1984 has made the following wording compulsory on all ballot papers. Huge fines will be levied on Unions who cause any sort of disturbance without using them.
INDUSTRIAL HARMONY VOTE
Place a cross against the statement of your choice:
I am a nice person. I am kind to the weak, loyal to my country and live a decent life. I refuse to be bullied or duped into betraying the forces of good and resolutely refuse to go on strike. _______
I am a filthy, subversive, communist subhuman. I am a sadistic bully, a traitor and in all respects I am unspeakably vile. I do not care if I never work again or if I starve and I am quite prepared to see my family in the workhouse. I am so completely disgusting that I will go on strike. _______
VOTE CONSNEERVATIVE FOR EQUALITY, PROSPERITY AND JOBS
SHOP AT MORKS AND SPINDLERS
SNITCCHI AND SNAATCHI FOR ALL YOUR ADVERTISING NEEDS
THIS SPACE AVAILABLE
IF YOU HAVE PUT A CROSS IN THE LOWER SPACE, TEAR THIS BALLOT PAPER TO SHREDS, TAKE IT TO THE TELLER AND DEMAND A NEW ONE.
Ministry of Truth, 1984.
A further amendment to this act has been proposed, that the second choice on the ballot paper should be deleted and the extra space made available for advertising. In this way it is believed that the best selling brand of democracy will be abandoned in favour of New Improved Democracy.
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Inertia Rules O.K. (July 1985)
Some branches are suffering from dire shortages of transit envelopes. Others have great mountains of the things. The system for moving them from one place to another seems to have been lost in transit.
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Strange Irregularity. (July 1985)
At the Annual General Meeting, a ballot was taken to elect delegates to Conference. One of the ballot paper collectors was also one of the candidates, the first time this reporter has seen such an arrangement. There was no question of the ballot being rigged; the candidate wasn't elected. But justice wasn't being seen to be done.
A troublemaker in the audience shouted out to the Chairman, "Should one of the candidates be collecting the ballot papers?"
"If she doesn't mind," he replied, which I think rather missed the point.
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Terminal Progress. (July 1985)
The introduction of computer terminals to most branches came as a shock. The hand loom weavers must have felt the same way when they saw the early power looms.
More traditional members of staff have been laying curses, rattling bones and making gestures to ward off the evil eye.
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Marton Harry's Memory Failure. (November 1985)
The government did something so annoying that I decided to write a long piece about it. Trouble is, I made no notes and I've forgotten which of their many affronteries it was. It might have been the huge wage increases for top Civil Servants, judges and warlords. Snatcher said something offensive about Weary Willies, but I don't think that was it.
I'll let you know if I remember.
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The Crazy World of Ruritanian Politics. (August 1986)
At the CPSA Annual General Meeting In March, Richard Barnes, a Militant and Broad Left Supporter, criticised Broad Left '84 for putting forward four Comminist Party members in the CPSA DNS Section elections. In another speech, Conrad Horridge, a Militant Broad Left supporter, said there were to be two right wing factions fighting the elections, but couldn't bring himself to call Broad Left '84, "left wing". After some fumbling, he called the left wing factions, "a left wing and a different shade of red".
Richard and Conrad have been democratically thrown out of the positions they held before Broad Left/Broad Left '84 split and have gone from Assistant Organiser and Vice Chairman to ordinary Branch Executive Committee members. Militant is no longer fashionable, which is no bad thing in my view. It's diehard supporters, who were once considered suitable for high office, are now out on their ears.
A mirror image of our situation has taken place at DNS Glasgow. There, Broad Left have control and Broad Left '84 supporters have been democratically thrown out of office. Peter Coltman, Communist and Broad Left '84 supporter, is an example. Some of you are saying "good riddance" simply because he's a Communist, but he's done some excellent work for CPSA.
I suppose none of these purges matter much, so long as somebody is prepared to do the generally thankless tasks of CPSA officials and we don't find complete imbeciles doing important work for us just because they shout the most fashionable political slogans.
Our elected officials have been doing a good job and receiving mostly insults and abuse for it, so if some of them want to divert themselves by playing at Ruritanian politics, that's fine by me.
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Walls. (August 1986)
Two people with an enormously long tape measure went rount the Marton Office measuring the walls. They were going to wash them down and wanted to know how much water to order or something.
I thought it would have been easier to check the lengths from the plans and wondered if the walls had shrunk or expanded in the severe Marton climate.
It turned out that the walls are probably the same length as when they were built, but the architects have hunted down and destroyed all copies of the plans. They were ashamed and afraid they might never work again if their connexion with the place was known. Nobody is likely to employ an architect who can't even design walls that meet each other at 90 degrees or windows that open, or even non-electric bannisters.
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Marton Harry's Helpful Suggestion. (March 1987)
There was a huge turnout for the re-run General Secretary elections mainly because every member received a personally addressed ballot paper. I'd like to see all CPSA circulars given the same treatment. It might be expensive and involve more work for the branch reps, but it would cut down the likelihood that half the members won't see the circulars and half the non-members will.
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Death Claims Horror. (March 1987)
One of my contacts in Death Claims received a letter saying, "I write to advise you that the enclosed Premium Bond Holder has died". Fortunately, the writer forgot to enclose him.
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Frugality Gone Mad. (March 1987)
There seems to be an unwritten law in some Correspondence Sections that pouches shouldn't be thrown away. Pins, sellotape, tracing tape and staples have all been used to save elderly pouches from oblivion. About the only things I've not seen used are six inch nails.
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That Terrible Feeling of Deja Vu. (August 1987)
As I write we're still in dispute with our employers over their miserable pay offer. It's a re-run of disputes we've had many times before. One of these years we might present our demand for a decent wage and our government will say, "That sounds reasonable. You're on." Or one of these years we'll be able to strike a match on wet tripe.
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Where Have All the Towels Gone? (Christmas 1987)
My local DNS washroom had two towel dispensers, often with two towel ends dangling uselessly from them. I often thought we could do with an extra dispenser, to avoid walking about with wet hands. Instead, one of the dispensers recently disappeared and we're left with one towel end dangling uselessly.
Hot air driers might be an answer, but they would be put out to tender and we'd buy the cheapest which would break down every three minutes. Management probably think there's enough hot air around anyway.
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