A few months ago, two men were sawing the ends off metal bars in the corridor between the Tower Block and the Stock Block. The bars were several metres long, a few centimetres broad and trough-shaped. Why were they doing it?
The first person to provide the correct answer will have their name mentioned in this venerable column, as will the person providing the most original and amusing answer. A clue: it was not part of a job creation project.
Answers to Robert Muir, (replacement address)
rmuirbsc@fsmail.net.
The judge's decision will be final.
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Marton Harry's Competition 2. (January 1983)
Because of the Christmas break, the results of this month's competition will be held over until the next issue. Anyone who wishes to submit a late entry may do so.
(It appears that an issue of Insight is missing from my archive.)
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Marton Harry's Competition 3. (January 1983)
On a recent visit to the mould farm at St. Annes, I discovered a toilet roll holder in "D" Block bearing the initials "G.R.". This probably refers to George VI, so the device must have been in use for over 30 years.
This month's competition is to name the oldest piece of equipment in use at the Bonds and Stock Office. As people at St Annes have an unfair advantage, the competition is to name either the oldest item at St Annes or the oldest item at Marton.
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Marton Harry's Competition 2 Results. (February 1983)
At last I've received an entry for Competition 2. It came anonymously and reads: "We in our infinite wisdom believe that behind the red door are large quantities of soft toilet paper for use by the Controllers and other higher echelons."
From the "we", it appears that this is either a group entry or Her Majesty has spilled the beans on Level 4.
The entrant's wisdom is finite, despite their claim to the contrary, because they would have received a prize if they'd signed their names and provided their address. Hard luck, whoever you are.
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Marton Harry's Competition 3 Results. (February 1983)
There has been a flood of entries for Competition 3. The most common suggestions have been that various elderly members of staff are the oldest pieces of equipment in use at the Bonds and Stock Office sites. I'm ruling them out of order on the grounds of taste and fear of reprisals.
In the inanimate world, Colin Schools states, "Ernie is obviously the oldest and most unused piece of equipment as many bondholders will tell you when writing in for other reasons."
I still think of Ernie as a super-duper electronic marvel. There is an early 19th Century valve computer in storage at St Annes, but that's no longer in use, so falls outside the scope of the competition.
Arthur Pearson writes, "It is my opinion that the oldest piece of equipment on the Lytham site is the Staff Inspections slide rule which was once used to calculate how many more jobs would be created by Staff Inspection reports. This must now be so old it is no longer usable. Is this why we now only lose jobs?"
A good point, but I'm afraid that, being out of use, the slide rule also falls outside the scope of the competition.
This month's winner is Mrs S Tod of NSIB, Marton, who writes, "I believe in C. Block in St Annes there is a ladies cloakroom with a toilet roll holder where the metal bar is held by two small hands. This is a design I have never seen before or since leaving St Annes six years ago."
My antiques correspondent says the design sounds Victorian, because they went in for that sort of grotesquerie, with statues of babies' arms kept under glass, stuffed owls and the like.
Mrs Tod will be receiving a customised plastic sticker reading, "I won Marton Harry's Competition 3".
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Marton Harry's Competition 4. (February 1983)
How do you convert people who are in grades covered by CPSA but stubbornly refuse to join?
A cheap but unique prize will be awarded to the sender of the most useful ideas. Please do not suggest anything illegal.
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Marton Harry's Competition 4 Results. (April 1983)
I've received two anonymous entries this month, one of which is silly and one which appears to have been written by a disturbed person. I'm not going to publish any more unsigned entries. If you don't want your name to appear, that's fine, just tell me to leave it out and I'll do so.
I know that management pick Insight out of the waste bins and non-members have had the cheek to congratulate me on something I've written, so its important that we be able to check whose views we're printing.
If the twwo people concerned let me know who they are, I'll gladly include their entries in a subsequent column and give their ideas a good duffing up, provided they are CPSA members.
This month's winner is Martin Pemberton, who answers my question about how to convert non-members into members:
A) Tell them that any pay rise awarded this year will be deducted from source and transferred to the "Send Marton Harry Back to Florida Fund" (I do not think this is illegal as I always thought "illegal" was a sick bird of prey).
B) Arrange for their transfer as camel herders in the Sahara desert as they've given me the hump for long enough.
Despite the puns, I'll be sending Martin, no relation a sticker bearing the legend, "I won Marton Harry's Competition 4".
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Marton Harry's Competition 5. (April 1983)
Does DMSU stand for:
a) Drastic Mutilation of Services Unit
b) Division for Maximisation of Suffering through Unemployment
c) Departmental Management Services Unit
d) Destroy Morale and Smash the Unions
e) something else; please specify
Entries with a bitingly satirical edge will be favoured.
The winner will receive an "I won Marton Harry's Competition 5" sticker in real plastic.
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Marton Harry's Competition 5 Results. (July 1983)
You may have forgotten after all this time, but Competition 5 involves telling me what DMSU stands for.
Someone who provided their name but wished to remain anonymous suggested "Displays Masochistic Tendencies and Unstable". This loses out as a winner as the last bit is a touch ungrammatical and the tone is abusive rather than satirical.
Robert Hall came up with "Decapitate Maggie and Save the Unions". I can't quite think who this "Maggie" is, but this entry is ruled out as a prizewinner on the grounds of extreme violence.
Martin Pemberton wrote to complain that whevever he goes to the tea-point he finds it swarming with people who he believes to be employed by DMSU. Martin goes on to suggest that DMSU stands for "Don't Mind Standing Up".
A good idea, but because Martin won Marton Harry's Competition 4 he must be ruled out of the prize. His ego migt be flattered to such an extent that he would attempt to invade Poland or the like.
Ann Gillings sent in a list of rules created by what she believes to be the "Department for Making Staff Unsure/Uneasy/Unhappy/into Underdogs".
Rule 1. Change all the rules.
Rule 2. Change all the changed rules at least twice a week.
Rule 3. Amend all the changed rules.
Rule 4. Create at least 12 exceptions to each rule.
Rule 5. Make sure that all exceptions contradict each other.
Rule 6. All changes, amendments and exceptions to be implemented before staff have had time to study or understand them.
Ann wins the coveted real plastic "I won Marton Harry's Competition 5 sticker.
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Marton Harry's Competition 6. (July 1983)
The bannisters in the Marton Office stairwell give electric shocks to the unwary. A prize will be awarded to the CPSA member who provides the best suggestion to prevent this happening.
The prize will be a 3 colour, mint condition "CPSA Campaign '83" sticker. This collector's item will grow in value until, by the turn of the century, you will be able to sell it and live handsomely on the proceeds.
This Competition is open to my many readers at DHSS Norcross as well as any who might work at DNS.
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Marton Harry's Competition 6. A Complete Failure. (September 1983)
In a re-run of the response to Marton Harry's Competition 1, nobody entered my competition 6. This must be because of the technical nature of the problem: electric shocks from the bannisters at the Marton Office. General summer apathy and wondering what I was going on about probably played a part too.
I've solved the problem myself by no longer wearing nylon pullovers on top of nylon shirts, so become the first person in history to win Marton Harry's Competition twice.
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Marton Harry's Competition 7. (September 1983)
Here are some of the strange but genuine names I've come across: Ruth de Breanski Frigout, Charles Wilfred Julius Scoble-Hodgins, Rose Fritter, Doctor Charles Royal Earnest Freezer.
I will award a prize, held over from last month, to the sender of the most interesting name.
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Marton Harry's Competition7: Results. (November 1983)
This is more like it. If anyone wants to start a new club they would get a good response from the collectors of silly names.
In pursuance of the Official Secrets Act, I've checked that none of these names have been taken from official files.
Here are some of the more printable entries:
Rupert George Bear
Rose Bush
Carrie Carrott
Kelman Cedarbum
Edward Coldbreath
Clifford Cornfoot
Josie Gotobed
Pearl M. Harber
Izeno Member
Eric Derek Merrick
Doris Morris
Mavis Davis
From the farmyard:
Walter Chuck
Charlie Chick
Jean Chicken
Agnes Gentilla Cock
There is insufficient room to complete this item, so please go to martonharry2 site to see the rest of it.
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