In the recent official Office Environment Survey, forms were given to only a few staff, so here's my unofficial survey so no CPSA members will feel left out.
Personal details.
Circle the words which apply to you:
Sex: Male, Female, Both, Neither, Don't Know
Emotional Age: Under five, 5-15, 16-40, 41-60, 61-80, 80-115, Over 115
Smoking: Non-Smoker, Smoke Only Antisocially, A Sweep Calls Regularly to Stuff a Brush Down My Lungs.
The Office.
Circle the number which most closely represents the condition of your office.
General state of the office:
Palace 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Slum
When the Office was Built:
Before the Ark 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Yesterday
The Walls and Roof:
Sturdy and waterproof 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Nonexistent
The Fire Alarms.
Disconnected by clowns and buffoons or harmless
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
At least one heart attack guaranteed every time it goes off
Fungus:
Has been killed by the office air
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Completely covers what's left of the walls and some of the staff
Air Supply:
Can be breathed with the help of an iron lung
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Close your eyes and you'd swear you were on the tundra in a gale
Temperature:
Everyone's a greasy spot by the end on the day
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Brass monkeys have been seen lagging each other
Humidity:
People have spontaneously mummified at their desks
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
An aqualung and flippers are essential
Your Diseases, Conditions and Symptoms:
Underline the words which describe any of your medical conditions. Put a circle round the ones which clear up as soon as you leave the office.
Hypochondria Insanity Langour Legionnaire's Disease Scruples Mange Green Monkey Fever Saturday Night Fever Nostalgia Dandruff Runny Eyes Runny Nose Runny Bottom Runny Legs Athlete's Feet Jogger's Nipple Burning Plastic Fume Poisoning Extreme Silliness Complete and Utter Stupidity Juggler's Elbow Alienation Anomie Existentialism Parasitism Suicidal Tendencies Homicidal Tendencies Militant Tendencies Commiephobia Kleptomania Rankism Pyromania Brass Neck Lurgi Phantom Pregnancy Real Pregnancy Keg Pregnancy Embarrassing Female Complaints Embarrassing Male Complaints Both Fin Rot Vampirism The Vapours Dutch Elm Disease
The information you provide will be mocked, placed on a computer, forgotten for several hundred years, then rediscovered by social historians who will be glad they didn't live in the 20th Century.
Your completed form will be collected in due course.
**************
Office Environment Survey. (August 1986)
Thanks to Chris Cook and L. Sharples for returning their completed questionnaires. I suggest that their colleagues send roung collections for them now, because judging by their ailments they won't be with us much longer.
***************
Anomie. (August 1986)
I've been asked to explain what "anomie" is. It's a word used by us qualified sociologists to mean normlessness, a lack of a system of rules which adequately defines behaviour.
It's a consequence of rapid social change and a symptom of social disintegration. With all the change that's going on at the moment, you're probably feeling a bit anomic. I know I am. But I like it.
**************
Freedom of the Press. (Christmas 1987)
I wonder what they're hiding. All those injunctions and court actions against "Spycatcher" and BBC Radio's "My Country Right or Wrong" hint at the concealment of something really sinister.
Could it be that Britain has been annexed by the Soviet Union, the USA or even Albania and the secret services are covering it up? Is Dennis Thatcher a Marxist-Leninist? Is Britain being turned into a Third World country as a joke? The more secrecy and persecution of the media persist, the more such questions will be raised.
*****************
Freedom of Insight. (Christmas 1987)
The law has been used to place blanket bans on all media, so that if I was to mention the names of any serving or former members of the fictional organisation,MI5, I could find myself on the receiving end of a contempt of court action. I don't suppose they'd notice in a small circulation rag such as this, but I enjoy my freedom too much to risk it. By the way, nobody is planning to declare martial law and a suspension of democratic processes if Labour win the next General Election.
**************
Automatic Data Puzzle. (Christmas 1987)
The mania for secrecy seems to have struck the Stock program. You might be familiar with the immortal phrase, "Divs by credit. Reg no. not found on Stock File". If not, think yourself lucky. The program knows where the divs are going, but refuses to tell us. This must be some form of industrial action, but I'm blowed if I know what it's after.
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Down Memory Lane Again. (Christmas 1987)
It's a long time since the last Insight appeared, so I've thrown out a lot of notes which I would have turned into bletherings for this Column. Among them were notes on CPSA Annual Conference, which I attended briefly as an observer.
I was directed to what I thought was the Conference Hall and found myself in a tea room, where the action was displayed on a giant TV screen. There was a lot of shouting about Emergency Motion 1 and I saw Janet Worth up on the big screen. A delegate from Northumberland used the phrase, "at this moment in time", which should be an offence punishable by death.
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