There are various faddy diets going about at the moment, like living off boiled eggs and beans for a month or only eating food when there's an R in the month. Cast them aside and take up Marton Harry's Beer and Chips Diet.
I owe my physical and mental perfection to this diet, which has been passed down through my family for generations and has been endorsed by leading scientists.
Full details next month.
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The World's Strangest Drink. (September 1983)
I'll try anything once, so in America I bought a can of a soft drink called Doctor Pibs. The taste is like sweet mothballs.
I drank it with large quantities of duty-free Warrington vodka and found that I actually liked it. It tasted as if it was addictive and, being made by the Coca-Cola company, probably was.
As far as I know, Doctor Pibs is not available in this country. The craving, the trembling and the hot sweats have worn off now, so if anyone knows where I can get the stuff in this country, don't tell me.
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Little Arrows. (Xmas 1983)
You will have seen those posters at work graphically depicting the effect of drinking too much. The drooping arrow is much longer than the straight one, which implies that drinking makes arrows lengthier. I don't think this was the message the Health Council were trying to put across.
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Just Like the TV Series. (Xmas 1983)
While I was in Florida, I came across a sign in an Orlando bookshop window which read, "This is a police stakeout zone. If approached by the police, put your hands up, stand still and drop your weapon".
I think the notice was meant in all seriousness, just like the "Beware of Pickpockets" signs you occasionally see in this country.
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Everybody's Doing It. (Xmas 1983)
Now that Cabbage Patch Dolls are old hat, the latest craze to come from America is Kindness to Amateur Journalists.
Many people, mainly women, are fighting each other to buy drinks for Amateur Journalists, to press gifts on them and to generally help them in any way they can.
Psychologists believe that this is because Cabbage Patch Dolls and Amateur Journalists have strikingly similar facial expressions and dress sense.
For those craving to take part in the latest craze, the names and locations of the Insight Editorial Board are given towards the back of this magazine. (Now obtainable from Robert Muir by email.)
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Beware the Doorstep Trader. (Xmas 1983)
Double-glazing salesmen visit people's houses during very cold spells and keep them talking at the door for as long as possible.
This clever ploy allows all the heat in the house to escape, to that when the victim returns to his aramchair again he says, "That's right, this house is cold. We really could do with double glazing.
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Marton Harry's Small Ads. (Xmas 1983)
Worried that your party will be dull? Ensure its success with the Fylde Coast Drunkard Service. Send only £9.99 and details of the date and venue of your party, and we'll send along one of our fully qualified, highly trained drunkards to drink your beer, be first on the dance floor, laugh, shout and make your party go with a swing.
Write, enclosing cheque to: The Manager, Fylde Coast Drunkard Service c/o Robert Muir (replacement address: rmuirbsc@fsmail.net. Price now negotiable.)
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Marton Harry at the Pictures: Nice Film, Shame About the Ashtray. (April 1984)
My American relatives have been busy in films recently: Dirty Harry in Suddem Impact and Debbie Harry in Videodrome.
I haven't seen Sudden Impact, but I took my grandfather to see Videodrome. In one scene a bloke is shot by the hero, who is under the influence of hallucinogenic rays from the telly. The victim falls to the floor, then his intestines and other internal bits and pieces erupt from his body, his skull cracks open and his brain oozes out of his head.
I thought this was over-the-top acting, deserving a posthumous Oscar, until grandad pointed out they'd used a dummy and the same stop-motion techniques which produce Morph, the Wombles and the Magic Roundabout.
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Serbo-Croat for Beginners. Lesson 1. (April 1984)
Learn these phrases by heart:
Excues me, where's the bar: Izvinite, gdeje pivnica?
Two glasses of beer, please: Molim vas dva case pivo.
One bottle of red wine and a bottle of red wine, please: Movim vas flasa crno vino i flasa belo vino.
A glass of whisky and a glass of vodka please:
Molim vas casa viski i casa votku.
A brandy and a rum please: Molim vas konjak i rum.
Excuse me, where's the toilet?: Izvinite, gde je taolet?
More indispensible phrases next issue.
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Marton Harry Watches the Telly. (September 1984)
Those of you who watched the inferior SF series "V" will remember the delivery room scene, when a woman gave birth to a couple of special effects.
In the original version of the script,after the second birth the doctor said, "Congratulations, it's a lizard."
Unfortunately, the director thought the line was well written, so had it removed.
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The Marton Harry Festive Political Awareness Quiz. (February 1985)
Which of these two riddles do you find funnier?
Riddle A: A crocodile has four legs and 24 teeth. What has 24 legs and four teeth?
Answer: The Soviet Politburo.
Riddle B: What has 12 legs and one eye?
Answer: Three chairs and half a pig's head.
Scores and assessments near the end of the Column.
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The Marton Harry Political Awareness Quiz: Scores and Assessments. (February 1985)
Riddle A was funnier, 100 points
Riddle B was funnier, 50 points
You didn't understand Riddle A, 10 points
You didn't understand Riddle B, half a point
You didn't understand Riddle A or B, 1,000points
Neither riddle was funny, 30 points
Both riddles had you in stitches, 300 points
Assessment:
0-5 points: You lack a sense of the ridiculous and are therefore extremely politically unaware.
6-20 points: You are definately lacking in the political awareness department. The Soviet Politburo are the most powerful group of geriatrics in the world, although the President of the United States beats them in the individual stakes.
21-40 points: You may be politically aware but either prefer more sophisticated humour or are a right misery.
41-200 points: Congratulations, you are politically aware.
201-500 points: You're my kind of person. Phone me and we'll arrange to go out for a drink together sometime.
501 points and over: You should stop reading that newspaper which I shall not name.
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Marton Harry's Christmas Crossword. (February 1985)
This year's Christmas cross word is "Maltese".
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Seasons Greetings. (February 1985)
Have a superb Christmas and New Year, unless this Column missed the Insight deadline and appears in January or February, in which case, have a superb spring when it finally arrives.
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