Complaints

Roasted Sheep. (November 1982)

Some people can't even get a simple thing like a fire drill right.

On the afternoon of 6 October, the intermittent siren went off. Despite the fact that we'd all beentold to just lock our case papers away and sit tight until the continuous note started, hordes of people streamed towards the exit. That wasn't dangerous in itself, so i won't rant on about that.

What I will rand and rave about is the number of people who seem intent on ending up in charred piles on the stairs. As soon as the continuous note sounded, I walked to the nearest exit, where I found a mob of such people actually QUEUING to get out. I edged past them and went with another sensible character across the walkway from the Stock Block to the Tower Block. The two of us had completely free access to the stairs, which were deserted.

We went out through the main entrance and walked round outside the building to the assembly point, near which the rest of my section were just emerging from the stairs. I told some of my good colleagues that in the event of a real fire they might find themselves walking into a conflagration and being unable to retreat because of the crowd coming down behind them. They told me that all staff should use the neares exit to their desk, no matter how many hundreds were already trying to use it.

To get the official line on escaping from fire, I contacted Office Services, who are responsible for fire precautionds, but, so far, they haven't replied.

If I was more selfish I would have kept quiet about all this because the fewer people in the way when I make a rapid but dignified exit from danger, the better I like it. However, most people, unlike you, will continue to herd together and flock out of the office.

All this reminds me of an old saying I've just invented: If you act like a sheep in a fire, you'll end up as roast lamb.

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Marton Harry's Concrete Columns. (November 1982)

This isn't the only column which needs to be watched. Several of the concrete columns are being shored up with replacement steel rods, Blu-Tak, superglue, chewing gum and bits of string. It seems that when the building was designed the architects didn't realise it wuld have to bear the weight of carpets, office equipment, people and sparrows.

Members of staff have been taken aside and advised to reduce their weight and the decoration of pillars with heavy paper streamers for Christmas will be discouraged.
CPSA is negotiating for the issue of crash helmets and running shoes, just in case.

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I'm Dreaming of a Summer Holiday. (January 1983)

The rule that only 10% of the staff in any HEO group can be off at any one time gets up my nose. I suppose if there's only nine of you, nobody ever goes on holiday.

My summer holiday this year will be in May because I haven't been here since the year dot and by the time my name came up on the list, June, July and August had all been taken. My second signing has had to be the last week in September. I'll be going to Scotland, so if I try for a tan I'll probably freeze to death.

Other employers aren't like this. I know of people who work for private firms and whose conditions of work are generally terrible, but who can go on holiday more or less when they like.

We're limited in the total amount of leave we can take, so all the strictness about when we take it isn't necessary. Each one of us should be allowed at least a fortnight in the summer and not be forced to take leave in the spring or autumn. We can't all afford to go abroad. I can, but that's beside the point.

With no recruitment taking place, those at the back of the queue are likely to stay there for years. Depressing, isn't it?

What particularly irks me is being told I can't go on leave in particular weeks, then coming in and scratching round for something to do because there's a seasonal drop in my kind of work every summer. In winter, when we're busy, people are away because they couldn't get leave while we were slack.

Anyone who wants to read further on this topic should obtain a copy of the pamphlet, "1001 Ways to Irritate your Staff", HMSO, 1979, £1.50.

For more Complaints, please see my sister site, martonharry2. Sorry, ignorance prevents me providing a direct link to the site.

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Breaks the Ice at Parties. (September 1983)

A large consignment of Bendy Staples and "Blotto" trick pens intended for joke shops in Blackpool have been delivered to DNS in error. They have been the cause of much merriment.

The company responsible for the misdirection also installed the GTN (Goes to Nowhere) telephone system. Now hours of fun can be spent trying to reach other government offices and listening to the amusing noises on the line. Phoning is now an adventure, full of fun and constant surprises.

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Today We Strip the Workers of their Rights in Cheltenham, Tomorrow We Invade Poland. (February 1984)

This used to be such a pleasant country to live in. We had our problems and quarrels, but most people accepted everybody else's right to live and work for a decent standard of living. Britain wasn't ruled by fear.

A terrible change has taken place over the last few years.

The first stage of the campaign to turn the workforce into obedient paupers was the creation of a mass of unemployed people. Everyone in work becomes uneasy at the thought of joining them and there's less likelihood that the employed will stand up to their employers. Super wheezes like sacking council dustmen and replacing them with desperate men employed by cowboy contractors can be tried. Competition in some industries ensures that wages fall to starvation levels as employers try to underprice each other by cutting wages. Yes, it is happening.

The second stage of the campaign involves the destruction of the trade unions, those organisations of the individually powerless against the powerful.

If tade unions in Cheltenham GCHQ can be forbidden, then the same arguments can be used to forbid unions in the Ministry of Defence. Once the principle of abolishing unions is established, excuses can be found for abolishing all unions.

Should trade unions be allowed to interfere with the government's ability to raise money, without which it cannot function? Of course not; deny union membership to Department of National Savings employees.

We're not at present in the battle zone of this undeclared civil war, but we are in the front line, unwilling as we are.

I don't want to be alarmist about the third stage of the campaign against the people of this country, but it will probably involve the neutralisation of "troublemakers". I note that the only public servants to be increasing in numbers are those in the armed forces, police and prison service. There are lots of new prisons being built. Government by consent is being replaced by government by coercion.

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Normal Service Will Be Resumed... (February 1984)

I'm so shocked and embittered by the Cheltenham business that I've decided to hold over all the usual features until next month.

Will the Thought Police and others please note that Robert Muir, to whom any correspondence for this column should be addressed, has moved to DCB Secion 11....

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I Got Them Roller-Towel Blues. (April 1984)

The people who brought you Bendy staples and Blotto pens have introduced a further amusing novelty: True Blue Dye-Dispensing Roller Towels.

Some less charitable members of staff claim that these towels have been introduced as an economy measure. Blue hands mean less hand drying, which means cheaper laundry bills.

Another explanation is that the government is going beyond Victorian Values to Ancient British Values and we are being prepared for a time when we'll go about like the woad-painted warriors who greeted Julius Caesar. The circular explaining all this is probably going about, only you haven't seen it yet.

Paranoids have pointed out that it's not very easy to persecute Civil Servants outside their place of work when they look like ordinary people. Some have even been known to pass themselves off as property speculators or tax lawyers.

This sort of cunning ruse is thwarted if all Civil Servants have blue hands. They can be mistreated, conned and insulted outside their places of work as well as in them.

Extreme paranoids have pointed out that in the Beatles film, Help, those chosen as human sacrifices were painted blue before the ceremony took place. They might have got the colour wrong, but the principle's the same.

It appears we're about to be ritually sacrificed to appease the gods of some primitive religion.

I have this terrible feeling that even if we wash off the dye, the sacrifices will be resolutely carried out.

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Third World, Here We Come. (July 1984)

One ot the tea points on Level 3 had to be closed for several weeks recently because a replacement part for the coffee machine had to be imported from America.

I can remember when Britain used to have an engineering industry, but that seems to have gone the way of so many others.

Speculation

Everything You Wanted to Know About the Bomb, but Were Afraid to Ask. (September 1982)

I was going to review "Nuclear War, the Facts on Our Survival" by Peter Goodwin in detail, but the recent BBC programme, "QED - A Guide to Armageddon" and that other one about burying people alive for a fortnight covered much of the same ground. If you watched the programmes, you'll be depressed enough already without me going on and on about how we'll get our windows broken if they plant one on Preston or when not to bother treating radiation sickness.

The only consolation I have from reading the book is that most of the people who have fallout shelters stand little better chance of survival than you or me. They'll be killed anyway if they're too near the detonation and are likely to be mugged as soon as they put their heads above ground. Traditionalists will be pleased that stealing bread is likely to become a capital offence again.

Peter Goodwin's book is worth reading even if only for its hints on how to manage if by some miracle you did survive a nuclear war. For instance, you can decontaminate water by allowing it to stand until the dust has settled to the bottom, then scooping carefully from the top.

Tinned food might be irradiated but still be perfectly safe provided you wash all the dust off the tin with your decontaminated water. I'd hate to think of you starving to death, surrounded by safe food you were afraid to eat. You'll have enough problems without that.

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Rumbles and Rumours. (November 1982)

Marton staff will remember the day when the office shook and a rumbling could be heard. Fortunately, nobody thought it was World War 3 and started doing whatever they plan to do in their last 4 munutes. Plenty of other explanations were put forward, though.

I and several other people were told, with great authority, that supersonic aircraft were being tested at Warton and we were suffering from the sonic bangs. The rumbles were a bit too frequent for that, unless a flock of planes were flying back and forth, so other theories developed.

One was that the road menders at Staining had punctured the gas mains and Staining was being reduced to rubble by a series of explosions. I glanced out of the window and failed to see the ecpected pall of smoke.

Thorough journalistic investigations revealed that of all the unlikely things a company was prospecting for oil under Staining. They were drilling holes, dropping sticks of dynamite down them and measuring the vibrations.

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Black Gold Bonananza. (November 1982)

The search for oil under Staining presents exciting prospects for the development of Marton Office Oil. Any bright young reader should be searching out evening classes in wildcatting, troubleshooting, deep sea diving and other oil-related activities.

Their existing jobs are likely to go when the site is given away to private enterprise and our less profitable activities are transferred to derelict huts somewhere.

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It's a Gas. (November 1982)

A workman removed part of the false ceiling near my desk and after a while did something to create a noise like air escaping from a tyre. I want to make it clear at once that the noise came from the roof and not from the workman. Marton Harry's Column does not deal in vulgarity. This noise continued off and on for about half an hour, indicating the presence of a large column of gas between the false ceiling and the roof.

The most obvious explanation was that there are vast balloons full of helium up there, making it possible to convert the office into a giant zeppelin for escape in the event of nuclear war or civil disorder. However, the office is allegedly too firmly embedded for this to be the case.

My team of fearless reporters are currently investigating the nature of the gasses being pumped around the building. Tear gas, for use in counteracting riots or Yuletide overexuberance, has not been ruled out, nor have top secret mind control gasses. It may even be air, pumped round as part of the air-conditioning system.
If this column disappears suddenly, you can draw your own conclusions.

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Mystery of the Disappearing Civil Servants. (February 1985)

There has been a steady decline in the number of people in the office, so where have they all gone?

What sort of meat is in the canteen meat pies?

What is on Level 4?

Are these questions unconnected?

Aunty Gladys

Write to Aunty Gladys. (November 1982)

If a certain evening newspaper can start up an new agony column in a desperate attempt to boost circulation, there's no reason Marton Harry's Column can't have one.

I've obtained the services of Aunty Gladys, an expert in human relationships. She's had 14 children, been divorced five times and in a life spanning 67 hectic years has been a photographic model, masseuse, courier, drug addict, Justice of the Peace, faith healer, exotic dancer, crocodile tamer and clerical assistant. She has spent three years in the East, a victim of the white slave trade, before she learnt the Oriental martial arts and fought her way to freedom.

If you have a problem, or just want advice, write to Aunty Gladys. She is, of course, retired, and is running a little business she doesn't want publicised, but she can be reached c/o Robert Muir, (replacement address) rmuirbsc@fsmail.net

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Normal Service Will Be Resumed...(January 1983)

If bits of this month's column appear strange, it's only because the original deadline for Insight was 7 January, so I was still recovering from New Year when I wrote this stuff. Aunty Gladys will not be contributing to this particular column. She went up to Scotland for Hogmanay and won't be back until the celebrations are over. Last year, it was the end of February before she arrived back.

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Aunty Gladys Solves Your Problems. (May 1983)

Aunty Gladys arrived at Blackpool Airport a few days ago in a boiler suit and what she claimed was an all-over tan. She was accompanied by several gentlemen of swarthy and sinister appearance, but as none of them spoke English and Aunty Gladys didn't let on, I never found out who they were.

The dear old thing is sorting through her mountain of mail which had piled up behind the door of her penthouse flat, and will definitely be solving some problems in next month's column.

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Aunty Gladys Solves your Problems. (September 1983)

We've received several problems for Aunty Gladys, but I'm afraid both the problems and the answers are unprintable in a genteel column such as this. The readers who wrote in have been answered privately.

Send your problems to Aunty Gladys. Absolute confidentiality is assured. There is no possibility that someone will call round at your house to blackmail you. Honestly.

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Aunty Gladys Solves Your Problems. (November 1983)

Or rather she doesn't, because she's got on the wrong side of both the CIA and the KGB and has gone into hiding for fear of counter-assassination. Even I don't know where she is.

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Aunty Gladys Travels the World. (July 1984)

Those of you with problems will just have to be patient a while longer, because Aunty Gladys is likely to be out of the country for some time.

I've received a postcard from her in which she says she's preparing to open a chain of off-licences in Iran.

Anyone who wants to buy shares in this venture, which will benefit from a remarkable lack of competition, should contact the Where to Write address. Cheques to be made payable to the Send Marton Harry back to Florida Fund.

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Aunty Gladys Returns. (November 1984)

Never mind what my fatuous nephew, Marton, wrote in the July edition of Insight, which I have just had the misfortune to read - I have not been running an off-licence in Iran.

I went to the Middle East on a working holiday and if I was able to help in distributing a few thousand cases of Japanese vodka to the thirsty, that's something Marton should keep his mouth shut about.

He was wrong, as you would expect, about the KGB and the FBI both being after me. The Americans and I get along fine since our little difficulty was sorted out and I've never even met the Politburo, let alone tried to have them overthrown and replaced by libertarian anarcho-syndicalists. I'm just a kind, harmless old lady who wouldn't hurt anybody unless severely provoked.

Anyway, enough about me and on to your problems. I don't have room to print your letters, so I'll just print my replies.

To FSP: Your first problem is common among people your age. My medical dictionary says that some people's brown fat cells don't work properly in turning fat into heat and this is a more common cause of obesity than eating too much. You should see your doctor. He might talk you into having your jaws wired together, so be warned. However, I suggest you cut down on the 14 pints of lager you drink every day. That would also clear up the other problems you mention.

If you must continue to drink, try Japanese vodka, diluted with large amounts of water. It's a much less fattening substitute for lager. I'm sending you an address you can write to for a supply. Let me know what pubs you drink in and I'll arrange for some salesmen to visit them and persuade them to stock the best quality Japanese spirits.

To UH: I'm afraid your problems come from your chosen way of life. I've never met you, only read your letter, but even I dislike you. It may be too late for you to change your way of acting towards other people, but extreme measures sometimes work. A few years of living in a commune run by a fraudulent religion might help you to reassess yourself and see what you've been doing wrong.

I'm sending you some addresses. You'll run the risk of being brainwashed and spending the rest of your life pestering people on their doorsteps or in shopping arcades, but even that would be an improvement on your present pitiful state.

Or it might be cheaper, if less comfortable, to go and live alone in a cave in North Wales. I'm sending you the address of Hermit Refugees PLC, who should be able to help you.

To CP: Boredom can be a terrible thing, but it can be overcome by hard work, clean living and exercise. Instead, start a hobby. Write your memoirs. Plan your retirement. My book, "1,001 Unsettling Things to Do in your Spare Time" by Gladys Purbright (Harridan Press, £1.75 paperback, £4.95 hardback) is available at W.H. Smiths and all good bookshops.

To all my readers: Send your problems to the address at the foot of the column. If I don't see you before then, have a Merry Christmas.

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Aunty Gladys Solves your Problems. (February 1985)

Aunty Gladys appears to have been kidnapped by aliens.

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Aunty Gladys on the Run. (March 1987)

I've had a letter from Brazil in which Aunty Gladys says she's living in what's left of the Amazon jungle with some construction workers. She wrote that she was trying to re-establish her fortune by tapping for rubber, but just who she was tapping and with what she didn't say.

Competitions

Marton Harry's Competition 1. (November 1982)

A few months ago, two men were sawing the ends off metal bars in the corridor between the Tower Block and the Stock Block. The bars were several metres long, a few centimetres broad and trough-shaped. Why were they doing it?

The first person to provide the correct answer will have their name mentioned in this venerable column, as will the person providing the most original and amusing answer. A clue: it was not part of a job creation project.
Answers to Robert Muir, (replacement address)
rmuirbsc@fsmail.net.

The judge's decision will be final.

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Marton Harry's Competition 2. (January 1983)

Because of the Christmas break, the results of this month's competition will be held over until the next issue. Anyone who wishes to submit a late entry may do so.

(It appears that an issue of Insight is missing from my archive.)

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Marton Harry's Competition 3. (January 1983)

On a recent visit to the mould farm at St. Annes, I discovered a toilet roll holder in "D" Block bearing the initials "G.R.". This probably refers to George VI, so the device must have been in use for over 30 years.

This month's competition is to name the oldest piece of equipment in use at the Bonds and Stock Office. As people at St Annes have an unfair advantage, the competition is to name either the oldest item at St Annes or the oldest item at Marton.

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Marton Harry's Competition 2 Results. (February 1983)

At last I've received an entry for Competition 2. It came anonymously and reads: "We in our infinite wisdom believe that behind the red door are large quantities of soft toilet paper for use by the Controllers and other higher echelons."

From the "we", it appears that this is either a group entry or Her Majesty has spilled the beans on Level 4.

The entrant's wisdom is finite, despite their claim to the contrary, because they would have received a prize if they'd signed their names and provided their address. Hard luck, whoever you are.

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Marton Harry's Competition 3 Results. (February 1983)

There has been a flood of entries for Competition 3. The most common suggestions have been that various elderly members of staff are the oldest pieces of equipment in use at the Bonds and Stock Office sites. I'm ruling them out of order on the grounds of taste and fear of reprisals.

In the inanimate world, Colin Schools states, "Ernie is obviously the oldest and most unused piece of equipment as many bondholders will tell you when writing in for other reasons."

I still think of Ernie as a super-duper electronic marvel. There is an early 19th Century valve computer in storage at St Annes, but that's no longer in use, so falls outside the scope of the competition.

Arthur Pearson writes, "It is my opinion that the oldest piece of equipment on the Lytham site is the Staff Inspections slide rule which was once used to calculate how many more jobs would be created by Staff Inspection reports. This must now be so old it is no longer usable. Is this why we now only lose jobs?"

A good point, but I'm afraid that, being out of use, the slide rule also falls outside the scope of the competition.

This month's winner is Mrs S Tod of NSIB, Marton, who writes, "I believe in C. Block in St Annes there is a ladies cloakroom with a toilet roll holder where the metal bar is held by two small hands. This is a design I have never seen before or since leaving St Annes six years ago."

My antiques correspondent says the design sounds Victorian, because they went in for that sort of grotesquerie, with statues of babies' arms kept under glass, stuffed owls and the like.

Mrs Tod will be receiving a customised plastic sticker reading, "I won Marton Harry's Competition 3".

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Marton Harry's Competition 4. (February 1983)

How do you convert people who are in grades covered by CPSA but stubbornly refuse to join?

A cheap but unique prize will be awarded to the sender of the most useful ideas. Please do not suggest anything illegal.

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Marton Harry's Competition 4 Results. (April 1983)

I've received two anonymous entries this month, one of which is silly and one which appears to have been written by a disturbed person. I'm not going to publish any more unsigned entries. If you don't want your name to appear, that's fine, just tell me to leave it out and I'll do so.

I know that management pick Insight out of the waste bins and non-members have had the cheek to congratulate me on something I've written, so its important that we be able to check whose views we're printing.

If the twwo people concerned let me know who they are, I'll gladly include their entries in a subsequent column and give their ideas a good duffing up, provided they are CPSA members.

This month's winner is Martin Pemberton, who answers my question about how to convert non-members into members:

A) Tell them that any pay rise awarded this year will be deducted from source and transferred to the "Send Marton Harry Back to Florida Fund" (I do not think this is illegal as I always thought "illegal" was a sick bird of prey).

B) Arrange for their transfer as camel herders in the Sahara desert as they've given me the hump for long enough.

Despite the puns, I'll be sending Martin, no relation a sticker bearing the legend, "I won Marton Harry's Competition 4".

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Marton Harry's Competition 5. (April 1983)

Does DMSU stand for:

a) Drastic Mutilation of Services Unit
b) Division for Maximisation of Suffering through Unemployment
c) Departmental Management Services Unit
d) Destroy Morale and Smash the Unions
e) something else; please specify

Entries with a bitingly satirical edge will be favoured.

The winner will receive an "I won Marton Harry's Competition 5" sticker in real plastic.

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Marton Harry's Competition 5 Results. (July 1983)

You may have forgotten after all this time, but Competition 5 involves telling me what DMSU stands for.

Someone who provided their name but wished to remain anonymous suggested "Displays Masochistic Tendencies and Unstable". This loses out as a winner as the last bit is a touch ungrammatical and the tone is abusive rather than satirical.

Robert Hall came up with "Decapitate Maggie and Save the Unions". I can't quite think who this "Maggie" is, but this entry is ruled out as a prizewinner on the grounds of extreme violence.

Martin Pemberton wrote to complain that whevever he goes to the tea-point he finds it swarming with people who he believes to be employed by DMSU. Martin goes on to suggest that DMSU stands for "Don't Mind Standing Up".

A good idea, but because Martin won Marton Harry's Competition 4 he must be ruled out of the prize. His ego migt be flattered to such an extent that he would attempt to invade Poland or the like.

Ann Gillings sent in a list of rules created by what she believes to be the "Department for Making Staff Unsure/Uneasy/Unhappy/into Underdogs".

Rule 1. Change all the rules.
Rule 2. Change all the changed rules at least twice a week.
Rule 3. Amend all the changed rules.
Rule 4. Create at least 12 exceptions to each rule.
Rule 5. Make sure that all exceptions contradict each other.
Rule 6. All changes, amendments and exceptions to be implemented before staff have had time to study or understand them.

Ann wins the coveted real plastic "I won Marton Harry's Competition 5 sticker.

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Marton Harry's Competition 6. (July 1983)

The bannisters in the Marton Office stairwell give electric shocks to the unwary. A prize will be awarded to the CPSA member who provides the best suggestion to prevent this happening.

The prize will be a 3 colour, mint condition "CPSA Campaign '83" sticker. This collector's item will grow in value until, by the turn of the century, you will be able to sell it and live handsomely on the proceeds.

This Competition is open to my many readers at DHSS Norcross as well as any who might work at DNS.

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Marton Harry's Competition 6. A Complete Failure. (September 1983)

In a re-run of the response to Marton Harry's Competition 1, nobody entered my competition 6. This must be because of the technical nature of the problem: electric shocks from the bannisters at the Marton Office. General summer apathy and wondering what I was going on about probably played a part too.

I've solved the problem myself by no longer wearing nylon pullovers on top of nylon shirts, so become the first person in history to win Marton Harry's Competition twice.

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Marton Harry's Competition 7. (September 1983)

Here are some of the strange but genuine names I've come across: Ruth de Breanski Frigout, Charles Wilfred Julius Scoble-Hodgins, Rose Fritter, Doctor Charles Royal Earnest Freezer.

I will award a prize, held over from last month, to the sender of the most interesting name.

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Marton Harry's Competition7: Results. (November 1983)

This is more like it. If anyone wants to start a new club they would get a good response from the collectors of silly names.

In pursuance of the Official Secrets Act, I've checked that none of these names have been taken from official files.

Here are some of the more printable entries:
Rupert George Bear
Rose Bush
Carrie Carrott
Kelman Cedarbum
Edward Coldbreath
Clifford Cornfoot
Josie Gotobed
Pearl M. Harber
Izeno Member
Eric Derek Merrick
Doris Morris
Mavis Davis

From the farmyard:
Walter Chuck
Charlie Chick
Jean Chicken
Agnes Gentilla Cock

There is insufficient room to complete this item, so please go to martonharry2 site to see the rest of it.

Interesting

Interesting Fact File 1. (November 1982)

For an hour or so one morning in September, Level 5 at Marton was one of the few places in the world where you could give blood and watch "Sesame Street" at the same time.

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Interesting Fact File 2 is missing, along with the issue of Insight in which it appeared.

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Interesting Fact File 3.(February 1983)

This was a joke about President Reagan, which I have decided to omit because it is no longer funny.

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Interesting Fact File 4. (April 1983)

When Winston Churchill (not the current MP for Stretford, but his grandfather, who is currently masquerading as Margaret Thatcher) said that he had nothing to offer but blood, sweat and tears, my grandfather remarked that the mixture would be an improvement on the tea, which was on ration and of generally poor quality at the time.

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Interesting Fact File 5. (September 1983)

Rather untopically, I have just discovered that the Latin motto round the new one pound coin means, "This is worth even less than it looks".

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Interesting Fact File 6 (November 1983)

Anyone who talks about a divorcee's dead former partner and says "late ex-husband" is likely to be laughed at because the phrase sounds like "latex husband".

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Interesting Fact File 7. (Xmas 1983, from the Festive Yuletide Column covered in holly, mistletoe, paper streamers, tinsel, balloons, paper bells and paper balls.)

The Chairman of British Nuclear Fuels, who was on television recently defending the need to fill the Irish Sea with radioactive chemicals and claiming that this wouldn't give us all cancer, is called CON ALLDAY.

On my oath I swear this is true and I'm not making it up.

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Interesting Fact File 8. (April 1984)

The Serbo-Croat word for beer is "pivo", pronounced, "peevoh". Most Serbs and Croats drink wine.

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Interesting Fact File 9. (April 1984)

In recognition of its subjugation to a major foreign power and its suppression of trade unions, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is to be renamed "Poland".

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Interesting Fact File 10. (April 1984)

Because of the success of gender benders such as Boy George, the American crooner Lionel Richie is to change his image. In future he is to be known as Lionel Bitchie.

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Standard Yugoslavian Jokes 1. (September 1984)

All couriers on Yugoslavian coaches going along hair-raising mountain roads say, "If you are frightened, close your eyes. The driver always does".

This raises a smile from us seasoned international travellers and scares the hell out of the more literal-minded passengers and those of a nervous disposition.

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Standard Yugoslavian Jokes 2. (September 1984)

Brandy is the Yugoslavian national drink.

All Yugoslavian couriers and hotel representatives say, "Have a brandy first thing in the morning; it makes the day funny. Have a brandy last thing at night; it helps you sleep."

Yugoslavian couriers and hotel representatives are extremely inefficient because of their alcoholism and because they find the day funny.

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Interesting Fact File 11. (September 1984)

The really cool thing to do at the moment is to buy a Porsche and put a sticker in the back window saying, "My other car's a clapped out old banger".

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Interesting Fact File 12. (November 1984)

The newest term of abuse among teenagers is "tunicate", as in, "keep your hands to yourself, tunicate".

A tunicate is an animal consisting largely of jelly encasing a gut.

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Standard Yugoslavian Jokes 3. (February 1985)

A popular white wine in Yugoslavia is called "Debit".

While I was in Yugoslavia, the Debit went into me, but when I came back to work, I went into Debit.

The above seemed quite funny when I made it up after drinking half a bottle of Debit.

It seemed hilarious after I finished off the rest of the bottle, but now I'm not so sure.

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Interesting Fact File 13. (May 1985)

George Harrison now looks like Peter Cushing.

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More Interesting Facts are available on the Regulars page on Marton Harry, Part 3.

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(Marton Harry's Column was first published online on three Freeserve sites because of the limited space on each site. Freeserve was taken over by Wanadoo, which was then taken over by Orange. So Orange recently decided to delete all the old Freeserve sites. I have been able to recover Marton Harry Parts 1 and 3, but not Part 2. All I get when I try is Orange's insane website builder page.

Thanks, Orange. I hate you.)

Style

Style. (July 1985)

I boarded a bus recently and sat near an old lady whose face was paralysed down one side. She was frail and looked like she'd led a long and tiring life.

She was wearing a "Sport for All" badge.

That's what I call style.

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Modern Scientific Robots Rule O.K. (August 1986)

A 1957 leaflet describing the new Premium Savings Bonds contained the following:

"It would be jolly difficult to draw numbers from an drum every month if only because the drum would have to hold millions of tickets or counterfoils. Instead the draw will be done by a modern scientific robot. The scientists call it electronic random number indicator equipment! We call it by its initials - ERNIE."

They don't write them like that any more. Thank goodness.

My thanks to Sue Carter for showing me a copy of the leaflet.

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Hand in Hand. (August 1986)

You should have received your new membership card with the free bumper bundle of leaflets on how to sexually harass your colleagues and suchlike. I found the free plastic bag particularly useful for putting things in.

Now that you've been drafted into Blackpool Trades Club, I suggest you take a trip down there for the live entertainment, bingo, provided you've been lobotomised, and food.

Because I live on a converted oil rig several miles out in the Irish Sea for security reasons, I've not been able to get to the Trades Club for a few years, so I've forgotten whether the beer is cask or keg. Keg beer has unfortunate effects on my metabolism. Perhaps you'll send me a beer report if you go.

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Marton Harry's Top Thirty. (March 1987)

If you accidentally watch Top of the Pops and the Top Thirty looks like this, you're probably about as old as I feel.

30 An enormous transvestite.
29 A group led by a weedy transvestite.
28 Yet another transvestite. No, it's a woman in silly makeup.
27 Cliff Richard and somebody else's wife.
26 Some young women who look like your daughters.
25 Some young men who look like your daughters.
24 Some pretend hippies.
23 Some people disguised as zombies.
22 Some zombies.
21 Some hippies.
20 A group whose main claim to fame is their hairstyles.
19 That bald bloke.
18 The late, great whatsisname.
17 Statua Quo.
16 Some extremely attractive young women.
15 Some guitar-swinging louts.
14 That football club chairman with the hair transplant.
13 Some puppets from a TV series you've never seen.
12 The star of a soap opera you've never seen.
11 The Pervert from the Black Lagoon.
10 Something nasty from the woodshed.
9 A TV advert for deodorant.
8 A group of either very strange men or incredibly ugly women.
7 An ordinary-looking man dressed as a man, who strikes a note of discord in these surroundings and does the same when he sings.
6 Something disguised as half a pantomine duck.
5 A film clip.
4 Something disguised as the other half of a pantomime duck.
3 A pantomime duck.
2 Somebody who ought to be locked up.
1 Somebody who surely must be locked up and only allowed out to visit the recording studio and film set.

News

New Ballot Papers. (May 1985)

The latest amendment to the Trades Unions (Eradication) Act 1984 has made the following wording compulsory on all ballot papers. Huge fines will be levied on Unions who cause any sort of disturbance without using them.

INDUSTRIAL HARMONY VOTE

Place a cross against the statement of your choice:

I am a nice person. I am kind to the weak, loyal to my country and live a decent life. I refuse to be bullied or duped into betraying the forces of good and resolutely refuse to go on strike. _______

I am a filthy, subversive, communist subhuman. I am a sadistic bully, a traitor and in all respects I am unspeakably vile. I do not care if I never work again or if I starve and I am quite prepared to see my family in the workhouse. I am so completely disgusting that I will go on strike. _______

VOTE CONSNEERVATIVE FOR EQUALITY, PROSPERITY AND JOBS

SHOP AT MORKS AND SPINDLERS

SNITCCHI AND SNAATCHI FOR ALL YOUR ADVERTISING NEEDS

THIS SPACE AVAILABLE

IF YOU HAVE PUT A CROSS IN THE LOWER SPACE, TEAR THIS BALLOT PAPER TO SHREDS, TAKE IT TO THE TELLER AND DEMAND A NEW ONE.

Ministry of Truth, 1984.

A further amendment to this act has been proposed, that the second choice on the ballot paper should be deleted and the extra space made available for advertising. In this way it is believed that the best selling brand of democracy will be abandoned in favour of New Improved Democracy.

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Inertia Rules O.K. (July 1985)

Some branches are suffering from dire shortages of transit envelopes. Others have great mountains of the things. The system for moving them from one place to another seems to have been lost in transit.

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Strange Irregularity. (July 1985)

At the Annual General Meeting, a ballot was taken to elect delegates to Conference. One of the ballot paper collectors was also one of the candidates, the first time this reporter has seen such an arrangement. There was no question of the ballot being rigged; the candidate wasn't elected. But justice wasn't being seen to be done.

A troublemaker in the audience shouted out to the Chairman, "Should one of the candidates be collecting the ballot papers?"

"If she doesn't mind," he replied, which I think rather missed the point.

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Terminal Progress. (July 1985)

The introduction of computer terminals to most branches came as a shock. The hand loom weavers must have felt the same way when they saw the early power looms.

More traditional members of staff have been laying curses, rattling bones and making gestures to ward off the evil eye.

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Marton Harry's Memory Failure. (November 1985)

The government did something so annoying that I decided to write a long piece about it. Trouble is, I made no notes and I've forgotten which of their many affronteries it was. It might have been the huge wage increases for top Civil Servants, judges and warlords. Snatcher said something offensive about Weary Willies, but I don't think that was it.

I'll let you know if I remember.

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The Crazy World of Ruritanian Politics. (August 1986)

At the CPSA Annual General Meeting In March, Richard Barnes, a Militant and Broad Left Supporter, criticised Broad Left '84 for putting forward four Comminist Party members in the CPSA DNS Section elections. In another speech, Conrad Horridge, a Militant Broad Left supporter, said there were to be two right wing factions fighting the elections, but couldn't bring himself to call Broad Left '84, "left wing". After some fumbling, he called the left wing factions, "a left wing and a different shade of red".

Richard and Conrad have been democratically thrown out of the positions they held before Broad Left/Broad Left '84 split and have gone from Assistant Organiser and Vice Chairman to ordinary Branch Executive Committee members. Militant is no longer fashionable, which is no bad thing in my view. It's diehard supporters, who were once considered suitable for high office, are now out on their ears.

A mirror image of our situation has taken place at DNS Glasgow. There, Broad Left have control and Broad Left '84 supporters have been democratically thrown out of office. Peter Coltman, Communist and Broad Left '84 supporter, is an example. Some of you are saying "good riddance" simply because he's a Communist, but he's done some excellent work for CPSA.

I suppose none of these purges matter much, so long as somebody is prepared to do the generally thankless tasks of CPSA officials and we don't find complete imbeciles doing important work for us just because they shout the most fashionable political slogans.

Our elected officials have been doing a good job and receiving mostly insults and abuse for it, so if some of them want to divert themselves by playing at Ruritanian politics, that's fine by me.

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Walls. (August 1986)

Two people with an enormously long tape measure went rount the Marton Office measuring the walls. They were going to wash them down and wanted to know how much water to order or something.

I thought it would have been easier to check the lengths from the plans and wondered if the walls had shrunk or expanded in the severe Marton climate.

It turned out that the walls are probably the same length as when they were built, but the architects have hunted down and destroyed all copies of the plans. They were ashamed and afraid they might never work again if their connexion with the place was known. Nobody is likely to employ an architect who can't even design walls that meet each other at 90 degrees or windows that open, or even non-electric bannisters.

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Marton Harry's Helpful Suggestion. (March 1987)

There was a huge turnout for the re-run General Secretary elections mainly because every member received a personally addressed ballot paper. I'd like to see all CPSA circulars given the same treatment. It might be expensive and involve more work for the branch reps, but it would cut down the likelihood that half the members won't see the circulars and half the non-members will.

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Death Claims Horror. (March 1987)

One of my contacts in Death Claims received a letter saying, "I write to advise you that the enclosed Premium Bond Holder has died". Fortunately, the writer forgot to enclose him.

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Frugality Gone Mad. (March 1987)

There seems to be an unwritten law in some Correspondence Sections that pouches shouldn't be thrown away. Pins, sellotape, tracing tape and staples have all been used to save elderly pouches from oblivion. About the only things I've not seen used are six inch nails.

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That Terrible Feeling of Deja Vu. (August 1987)

As I write we're still in dispute with our employers over their miserable pay offer. It's a re-run of disputes we've had many times before. One of these years we might present our demand for a decent wage and our government will say, "That sounds reasonable. You're on." Or one of these years we'll be able to strike a match on wet tripe.

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Where Have All the Towels Gone? (Christmas 1987)

My local DNS washroom had two towel dispensers, often with two towel ends dangling uselessly from them. I often thought we could do with an extra dispenser, to avoid walking about with wet hands. Instead, one of the dispensers recently disappeared and we're left with one towel end dangling uselessly.

Hot air driers might be an answer, but they would be put out to tender and we'd buy the cheapest which would break down every three minutes. Management probably think there's enough hot air around anyway.